Children's movies are a lot like Asian movies. The bulk of them are morality tales. So what happens when you have an Asian Kid's movie? Well, picture Aesop with a big, toothy grin in his grave. You're welcome for that image. More on that later.
I threw CJ7 into my queue because it's a Stephen Chow film. If that name sounds familiar, he's the guy who did Kung Fu Hustle a few years ago. And if you saw that movie, you would be just as interested in CJ7 as I was. However, the two have nothing in common. One's a hilarious kung fu movie and the other is Chinese E.T. - cuter and with better special effects. That's not a bad thing.
Normally in my reviews, I try and avoid spoilers. In fact, I try to avoid talking about the movie as much as possible. Things just seem better that way. But this time I gotta give a little spoiler. You see, CJ7 deals with death. Lots of children's movies have some sort of death scene, but that's my point. Why?
I'm thinking about the movies I grew up with...Bambi, Old Yeller, that stupid dinosaur movie with Littlefoot that still gets me choked up. Even the few modern kids movies I've seen have a major death scene. Do Hollywood Directors have a vail that collects children's tears? Right next to the button that releases the hounds?
Maybe it's just 'cause I'm not a father, but it all seems backwards. You can't tell kids Santa is fake, but any animated mother won't make it ten minutes into the movie.
Oh well, go rent CJ7. If subtitles don't scare you, it's a cute morality tale. With death.
Grade: B+
However, I thought mixing in old movie clips into the Best Picture nominees was terribly lame. If these are the best pictures of the year, why do they need the help of past winners? Maybe they were hoping for conversations like: "Milk? What the f- ooh! Braveheart. That was a great movie."
Anyway, here are the winners:
BEST PICTURE
Slumdog Millionaire
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Sean Penn ("Milk")
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Kate Winslet ("The Reader")
DIRECTING
Danny Boyle ("Slumdog Millionaire)
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Heath Ledger ("The Dark Knight")
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Penelope Cruz ("Vicky Cristina Barcelona")
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Departures
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
"Wall-E"
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
''Man on Wire"
Heath Ledger, Wall-E, and Man on Wire all won, so all three of my expectations were met. Now I just gotta go see Slumdog Millionaire.
I watch a lot of crappy movies. It's not intentional, but just by sheer numbers, the odds are stacked against me. However, I do try and make it a point to finish all movies I start. Sometimes I'll postpone a movie for another day if I'm not in the mood for that genre, but I will eventually finish it. For The Rocker I made it about thirty minutes before shutting it off. It's that bad.The only reason I threw this movie into my queue is because Dwight Schrute plays the lead. Like most of America, The Office happily takes a half hour tithe every week. I was hoping that indulgence reaped a small blessing on the big screen. That hope was obviously misplaced.
Fact: Dwight Schrute is not Jack Black. Neither is Rainn Wilson. That casting choice just makes the bad idea of making a School of Rock ripoff even worse.
Also, watching someone vomit in their hand and keep it in their pocket for good luck is not funny - not even for shock value. It's gross and, as a bonus, a disturbing look into the mental state of the writers.
I'm done talking about this. The Rocker is truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. So that's something, I guess.
Grade: F--
When was the last time you saw Mark Wahlberg crack a joke? The Happening? OK, I'll give you that one, but for the most part, Marky Mark always stars in serious movies. Perhaps a smile ruins one's chiseledness?With this in mind, it's obvious that Max Payne was going to take itself seriously. The last time we tried a serious movie based on a video game, we got and In the Name of the KingHitman. Can you sense the anticipation?
The movie follows your basic "Policeman's wife and child get murdered and he's spent his life trying to find the killer." Sort of like OJ's story, if he was innocent. That's a fine tale, but they screwed it up.
The movie takes place several years after the case has gone cold. Predictably, a break happens and our man Mr. Serious is on it. Clues are discovered but they're the kind that should have been found years ago. For instance, when he meets someone with a peculiar tatoo at the beginning of the movie, it's not until almost the end when he finds out that tatoo is the same as one of the murderers. Seems like something a man would never forget. And always cause him to glower.
Max Payne also has some interesting casting choices. Our Rap Genius Hero gets involved in a very uncomfortable conversation with Nelly Furtado. In the immediate next scene, we're introduced to Internal Affairs officer Ludacris. We were just one Justin Timberlake away from an MTV Movie Awards skit.
I'll skip the whole Norse element only because I have no idea what it had to do with the story. If you know, or can think of a good reason it exists in the story, I may up the grade a letter. Until then...
Grade: D
I enjoy the Mummy movies. They're decent enough stories that exist only to have fun. Branden Fraser plays his part great and conveys a sense of fun and adventure that's normally reserved for keg stands.The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the third movie in the series. Now quick, when was the last time you saw a great third movie? I'll give you Return of the King, but just barely. The Lord of the Rings should really be considered a single movie. But think of all the other franchises out there: Spider-Man 3, X-Men 3, Superman 3, The Godfather: Part III, Jaws 3D... It's like those games you played as a kid where you try and say something more disgusting than the guy before you.
The biggest problem with The Mummy 3 is that they changed or removed everything that made the first two so much fun. Remember all the funny Brendan Fraser scenes (How often do you hear that question?)? Well, there are so many new characters that he doesn't get much screen time. He's just there to yell about how ironic it is to fight yet another mummy.
Remember Rachel Weisz? She played Brendan Fraser's very English significant other. I have to point out she's English, because she has an accent. Ms. Weisz decided to sit out The Mummy 3, so she got replaced with Maria Bello, a fine American actress...with a bad English accent.
Now I understand that sometimes you have to replace actors in movies. But these guys didn't even try. It's like replacing 007's M with Mrs. Doubtfire. People are gonna notice.
Finally, there's just too much non-mummy action taking place. When the undead skeleton army gets raised, I started quoting Army of Darkness in the hopes that it would get better. It did, but not enough to recapture my joy of the series.
Here's hoping the next Mummy stays dead.
Grade: D+
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