John's Movie Musings

Oh man. This Indiana Jones movie had the kind of excitement usually reserved for a new Christina Aguilera album. What? They both like whips.

But as intense as that excitement was, there was some significant hesitation around one name. George Lucas. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought a fedora-wearing Jar-jar might make a cameo.

There was also some hesitation about moving Indiana Jones into the 1950s. Indy and Nazis went together like Tom & Jerry (or Ben & Jerry, for that matter) and changing that formula was something I didn't trust in the hands of Lucas. But with Harrison Ford looking like Henry Ford these days, Nazis just didn't make sense.

And you know what? I liked the transition. It felt like an older Indiana Jones set in the 1950s. I've heard from others that they hated it. But this is my review, so we'll ignore them.

While the Crystal Skulls are weird and I did sorta miss the Nazis, I thought the Communists made a decent replacement. I also thought the music and the technology changes suited an older Indiana Jones. Things just felt right. In other words, this isn't Indiana Jones and the Crystal Menace.

Yet another worry I had was Shia LaBeouf. Do you like Shia? Do you? Then watch this.

There are rumors that Indy 5 will star Shia with Harrison playing the father role like Sean Connery. I can only say, "No. N-n-no. No-no!!" to that.


Grade: B+

Yeah, I know. Another classic movie I've never seen. The only thing I knew about Predator was that when Alien vs. Predator came out (the sequel should be arriving soon!!), the Predator fanboys freaked out. To be fair, so did the Alien fanboys, but they weren't as loud in that Geek West Side Story rumble.

So what did I think about Predator? It's a classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. How can you not love it? His screams of "Get to the chopp-aaah!!" stand equal with the best of Brando's famous lines.

But do you know who else is in this movie? Governor Jessie Ventura. Whaddya think of that? Predator should be played at every Republican convention from now on. It's political roots simply cannot be ignored.

Now the reason I caught this movie last weekend was because it just came out on Blu-Ray. Since film is a higher resolution than Blu-Ray, these older movies tend to look fantastic (assuming they clean up the film before mastering it). Predator is no exception. You can see individual sweat glands on Arnold's bulging bicep. Yes, this is what high def has to offer. Drink from it as if it were offered by Jim Jones himself.

So once again, I can hold my head high. No more hiding in shame. But I will confess one last thing. I still don't think Alien vs Predator was that bad.


Grade: A-

You know those small, indie movies George Clooney makes? I'm convinced I'm too stupid for them. The last one I saw was Syriana. It was very well made, but I thought there were about ten too many plotlines. By the end I had no clue what was going on.

I thought the very same thing with Michael Clayton. There are only a few plotlines, so that's good. But by the end, I had no idea what the heck was going on and why people were acting the way they were. Why was George Clooney looking at horses? Why was Tilda Swinton sweating so much? Why were the credits rolling?

From the interviews, Clooney sounds like a pretty smart guy, so I take the blame for not getting his movies. From now on, it's only Ocean's 14 for me.

One sad bit of trivia about this movie is that it's one of Sydney Pollack's last movies. Yeah, I had no idea who he was until I saw his picture this week. But I bet you didn't either, right?

I have no idea how to review this one. It's well acted and the plot seems like it's good, but I just couldn't follow along with it. If you see it and like it, can you please let me know what it was all about? Thanks.


Grade: D

Alright! I caught my first big summer movie with Prince Caspian. Even though I read the book three years ago, I remember very little about the story. That might actually be a good thing since my knowledge of The Lion, the Witch , and the Wardrobe detracted from my movie experience. I thought they handled the first one well, but the few changes they made annoyed me. With Prince Caspian, I went in with a fresh(er) set of eyes.

So how is it? Great. Like the Harry Potter films, the sequel is deeper, more "grown up" and thus, a better film. It also helps that the kids are a bit older and less annoying than before. I'm not sure if I should thank C.S. Lewis or the director, but the dwarf character saved many of the annoying scenes with his deadpan delivery.

Another great casting choice is Reepicheep. Eddie Izzard voices the mouse and he couldn't be more perfect. Granted, I did want him to ask a soldier if he had a flag. Reep has a larger role in Voyage of the Dawn Treader (my favorite of the Narnia series), so I can't wait to see it in 2010.

By now everyone knows that Lewis wrote the Narnia series as Christian allegory. It was blatantly obvious in LWW, but here, I thought it was toned down a bit. Other than the overall theme of waiting on God, the only direct allegory I caught was Lucy's woodland meeting with Aslan. I remember getting a lot more out of that scene in the book.

Even though it's PG, the parents in our entourage felt it was too violent for kids. I'm a horrible gauge for that, so take it for what you will.

If you like the Narnia series, you'll love this one. It's a better, deeper story and well worth your time.


Grade: A

Pop quiz, Hotshot. It's late on a Friday night. You're hanging with your friends and one suggests you watch a cheesy 80s movie. What do you do? What do you do?

The obvious answer is to get new friends. This isn't always doable due to blackmail issues, but it should be your lofty goal.

So it was last Friday that my friends (who must remain that way due to the reason above) watched Solarbabies. Yeah, we'd never heard of it either, but with a name like that how could we resist?

Like all 80s cheesefests, the title has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Yeah, there's not really a plot either, but what there is has nothing to do with infants born from the sun's rays. Instead you get a post-apocalyptic story about orphans who find a glowing orb. This orb then gives them visions of skinny-dipping in the ocean. Why are they orphans? What happened to all the water? Bah, stop worrying about stupid details like that. This is the 80s, man.

And to prove to you just how 80s this is, let me describe the opening scene. A small child (Lukas Haas) scurries under some secret tunnel and finds a glowing orb. He stashes it away and proceeds to flip a large switch that illuminates a huge, concrete arena. Two teams of roller hockey players (complete with flashlights on their skates) emerge from the tunnels and start a game. Far above, a mysterious figure (Nathan Patrelli from Heroes) with his pet owl and sideways pony tail watch the game..mysteriously. Who is this man? Why does everyone have roller skates with flashlights? Why does everyone like roller hockey? It's the 80s, man.

This movie is so obscure, I'm proud of myself for even finding a poster of it. Thank you, internets. You're the best.

Surprisingly, this has some famous faces in it. Other than Lukas Haas and Nathan Patrelli, Jami Gertz and Jason Patric (before he graduated to Speed 2) are also Solarbabies.

...and so my Speed references come full circle.


Grade: F

If you want a great, cheesy 80s flick: A

Usually, spoof flicks have some movie prerequisites you need to see before you get the jokes. Otherwise, you'll just laugh at the movie because you think you're supposed to.

Fortunately, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story only spoofs two movies: Walk the Line and Ray. Both of those are excellent, so if you haven't caught 'em, do so. But not back-to-back.

Let me explain.

Musical biopics follow a predictable pattern. The movie starts in childhood with some horrible tragedy. The star rises to fame. Drugs and divorce bring the star to the edge. The star finally recognizes his weaknesses and rises yet again with a final, musical equivalent of "Happily Ever After."

When I saw the trailers for Walk Hard, I thought, "Oh, maybe they'll make this pattern funny. Wait, Ricky Bobby's friend is starring? Really? Oh this is gonna suck hard."

And I was right. You'll notice from the poster that this is a Judd Apatow movie. That means you're in for two hours of Cox jokes. Lots and lots of Cox jokes. There was a single funny moment with The Beatles (They show up in the Drug section of the story). I won't spoil it (as a gift to you who have to suffer through this), but it's the one highlight.

Skip this one and if you have already seen it, I'm sorry.

Grade: D

Remember when The Departed came out and won all those Oscars? And you know how Hollywood likes to copy anything that's successful? Well Einstein, you should have known We Own the Night was coming before Scorsese finished his acceptance speech.

In The Departed, the two main stars are on opposite sides of the law. Both happen to be cops with one undercover. In We Own the Night, the two main stars are on opposite side of the law, but they are brothers. See? It's different.

The Departed has ultra-realistic gunplay and violence. We Own the Night has super-ultra-realistic gunplay and even more violence. Oh, and it adds a car chase.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a hard, no nonsense cop in The Departed. In We Own the Night, Mark Wahlberg stars as a hard, no nonsense cop...with a brother.

So you can see, We Own the Night is a totally different movie. No seriously, it is different. It's worse.

I've heard that it's not fair to compare one movie against another. Each movie must stand on its own, right? Wrong. If Hollywood goes out of its way to blatantly rip off another movie, isn't it only fair to compare that effort to the original? I think so.

If you've never seen The Departed, you need to watch it first. If you saw it and thought, "Man, I wish Mark Wahlberg's character was in another movie!" go watch We Own the Night.

Grade: C

I have a confession to make. In all my years of movie watching, pop-culture references, and internet memes, I'd never seen Blade Runner. Sure, I'd watched scenes here and there. And with the internet and every SF movie borrowing from it, I knew the basic premise. But I never took the time to watch it in one sitting.

Finally, I can scratch that one off my list. But here's where it gets funny (funnier?). I watched the Final Cut version. How's it different than the Theatrical Cut, Director's Cut, and Give the Studio More Money Cut? I have no idea. But I do know a few things.

First, the Final Cut was Ridley Scott's "favorite cut." I know this because he says so in the bonus features. My guess is that bonus feature was also included in the Director's Cut, but who am I to judge?

I also know that Sean Young came back last year and filmed some new scenes for this cut. What are they? Again, I have no clue, but there's a section in the middle where she starts playing the piano that looks "newer" than everything else. They are also the only scenes where she's not in the same frame as young Harrison Ford.

But here's the best part. Edward James Olmos is in this. For those that don't know, he's in the new Battlestar Galactica. In Blade Runner, the replicants are called "Skin Jobs" - the same name they call the human cylons in BSG. See the connection?

Yeah, I just watched the most classic SF movie ever, and the most I got out of it was the "Skin Job" reference. But really, this movie is awesome. It's a classic for a reason. Is this version better than the others? No clue. But if you do, lemme know!

Grade: A

One of the best Westerns ever is Tombstone. I'd call it the best ever, but Clint Eastwood had a run that can't be ignored.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Holy Crap This is a Long Title got no love at all at the Box Office. My guess it's because the entire movie is spelled out in the title. Then again, my theory falls apart when you consider The Return of the King or Titanic.

The legend of Jesse James is more famous than Brad Pitt, who plays him. Fortunately, the director decided to focus the story on Robert Ford played by Casey Affleck (No I did not intend to watch two Casey Affleck movies back-to-back.). This had the chance of being somewhat interesting. Afterall, you have one of the classic betrayals in history told from the point of view of the betrayer. How did Robert Ford, once loved and trusted by Jesse James, get to the point of shooting him in the back? It's the classic hero's fall from grace. It should have been brilliant.

Instead, it was dull. I think the problem was that the movie was almost three hours long and the story takes place after the James gang commits their last robbery. So you have a three-hour Western with no robberies. Yeah. Exhilarating.

I understand the director's dilemma. In order to have your hero turn into a villain, it must take time. Otherwise, you end up with Anakin Skywalker who kills a guy (sorta) then agrees to slaughter a bunch of kids. All within five minutes.

But three hours of watching Robert Ford's progression was taxing, even for watching on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Towards the end, whenever Brad Pitt was on-screen, I'd say, "There he is! Kill him!" However, I will say that when the moment finally arrives, it's severely disturbing. The director plays out the scene so well, that applying the title of "Coward" to Robert Ford is justly deserved.

I'll give the movie credit for its end. After the assassination, the movie fills in some of the history of what happens to everyone. I knew nothing of Robert Ford, so that part was very entertaining, but I also like documentaries. Take that for what you will.

But I gotta knock it one last time for its length. And here's why.


There's a narrator.

Narrators are put in movies to fill in the boring gaps. A three-hour movie with scenes that plod along like ents does not need a narrator. Period.

Grade: C+

Nowadays, when I watch a movie, I try and think of things to talk about in these reviews. Halfway through Gone Baby Gone, I was ready to call it "so intense, I can never watch it a second time."

Ben Affleck's directorial debut is about child kidnappings. Not being a father, I don't have the same emotional reaction to these kinds of movies some of my friends have. They say that a man changes when he holds his child for the first time. Never is that more apparent to me than by talking to my child-rearing friends about these kinds of movies. These guys now tear up at a Lifetime movie (while I point and laugh). Seriously.

But watching the first half of Gone Baby Gone, I got a fun-size taste of those emotions surrounding the loss of a child. An hour into this, I was ready to crown Ben Affleck as the greatest director of the year. Then, an hour and a half into it, I remembered this was a Ben Affleck movie.

Now don't get me wrong, the movie is not terrible. The first half truly is brilliant, but the second half is a bad cliché. It's like Ben Affleck thought you were born yesterday and tried to pull a fast one. But in this day and age, these kinds of movies aren't the only game in town and bad endings stick out like a sore thumb.

Moving on...

I will give credit to Ben's bro, Casey. He plays the part of a Boston PI like he was born there. Oh right, he was. Anyway, he did a good job.

OK, so the ending is kind of lame (especially the morality question they throw at ya like a pie in the face), but this might be worth a rental. The first half is, anyway.

Grade: C+