John's Movie Musings

Remember Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Or Hero? Or House of Flying Daggers? All are fantastic Asian movies that you need to see at least once in your life. So color me surprised when I found out The Forbidden Kingdom is nothing like them. Instead, you are just one "Eye of the Tiger" short of a cheesy 80s movie.

The movie starts out ok by filling in your typical Asian backstory of an evil ruler coming to power. But soon after, things jump to present day and introduce us to our hero. I have no idea who the kid is, but he's obviously the guy you call when you can't get Shia LeBeauf. And no, that's not a compliment.

Anyway, by some "crazy random happenstance" our hero ends up with a magic staff just as Cobra Kai shows up to beat his whiney ass in slow motion. Shia Jr. is saved by magically teleporting to ancient China - a land where everyone speaks and understands English and who pay no attention to the white kid wandering around town.

You can probably tell where this is going. Those of you who grew up in the 80s definitely know where this is going, so I'll just leave it there. Instead, I should talk about Jackie Chan and Jet Li - the whole freaking reason this movie got made. At least I'm hoping that's the case and not some director's dream of making Karate Kid 7.

Right off the bat, Jackie Chan is awesome. He plays a Drunken Master and plays it well. It's one of those roles where he looked like he was having fun in every scene. That alone got me through this.

Jet Li is, well, Jet Li. Like the rest of his movies, he doesn't say much. He just jumps around and kicks some ass. And honestly, I'm ok with that.

If I were a kid today, I might look at this movie like I do The Neverending Story (you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head). But as an adult (sorta) expecting classy Asian cinema, oh man was this a disappointment.

Grade: C-