John's Movie Musings

Outside of a Geico commercial, have cavemen been a huge source of entertainment? Yeah, there was that Brendan Fraser movie, but that doesn't count because of Pauly Shore.

Well, the guy who made Independence Day thought there might be a story, but halfway through the movie he realized there wasn't anything there. And like a good director that only has part of a story, what does he do? Ad-lib, of course.

Let me explain. When I think of 10,000 years before Christ, I think of men dressed in furs hunting woolly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. It's like Dances With Wolves with bigger tatankas. And that's exactly how the movie starts out. There's a tribe of people up in the frozen tundra (possibly Green Bay) trying to make a living on mammoth steaks.

But then, tragedy strikes. Members of the tribe are kidnapped by raiders, bound in metal shackles, and transported to Egypt. Now let's disect that...

I'm no expect in metallurgy, but I've never heard of cavemen miners. Sort of makes all that bone useless, don't it? And from what I recall, mammoths and saber-tooth tigers were up in Siberia. That's a long ways from Egypt. And since no one ages in the movie, I'm guessing the director assumed we knew nothing of geography. It is an American movie, so he gets a pass for that.

But here's where I lost it. Let's assume the Iron Age happened a few thousand years early, and let's assume the ancient barbarians were all Egyptian. Even if I take all that, there is absolutely no way I'm going to believe the mammoths were domesticated and built the pyramids.

No, 10,000 B.C. Just no.


Grade: F