John's Movie Musings

Pop quiz, Hotshot. It's late on a Friday night. You're hanging with your friends and one suggests you watch a cheesy 80s movie. What do you do? What do you do?

The obvious answer is to get new friends. This isn't always doable due to blackmail issues, but it should be your lofty goal.

So it was last Friday that my friends (who must remain that way due to the reason above) watched Solarbabies. Yeah, we'd never heard of it either, but with a name like that how could we resist?

Like all 80s cheesefests, the title has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Yeah, there's not really a plot either, but what there is has nothing to do with infants born from the sun's rays. Instead you get a post-apocalyptic story about orphans who find a glowing orb. This orb then gives them visions of skinny-dipping in the ocean. Why are they orphans? What happened to all the water? Bah, stop worrying about stupid details like that. This is the 80s, man.

And to prove to you just how 80s this is, let me describe the opening scene. A small child (Lukas Haas) scurries under some secret tunnel and finds a glowing orb. He stashes it away and proceeds to flip a large switch that illuminates a huge, concrete arena. Two teams of roller hockey players (complete with flashlights on their skates) emerge from the tunnels and start a game. Far above, a mysterious figure (Nathan Patrelli from Heroes) with his pet owl and sideways pony tail watch the game..mysteriously. Who is this man? Why does everyone have roller skates with flashlights? Why does everyone like roller hockey? It's the 80s, man.

This movie is so obscure, I'm proud of myself for even finding a poster of it. Thank you, internets. You're the best.

Surprisingly, this has some famous faces in it. Other than Lukas Haas and Nathan Patrelli, Jami Gertz and Jason Patric (before he graduated to Speed 2) are also Solarbabies.

...and so my Speed references come full circle.


Grade: F

If you want a great, cheesy 80s flick: A