You know how when you go to see a scary movie, there's always some jerk who jumps at every little thing -- to the point where it's distracting? Well, that jerk is me.
I don't do well with scary movies, so why did I go see 1408? I enjoy the hell out of Stephen King's short stories and Character Studies (For those who have no idea what a Character Study is, it's basically a look into the deep, dark past of a character and how he/she deals with it in the story).
1408 is not like today's torture porn that makes up the bulk of the horror genre. It's even tough to call it horror. There are plenty of parts that made me jump (farking Carpenters), but John Cusack does not get his rectum removed with a rusty spoon or anything like that. Those of you who like scary movies probably won't find much to be scared about. For me, I'm pretty sure the couple behind me were taking bets on whether or not I had shat myself.
If you're a John Cusack fan, go see this movie. It's his best performance ever. If John Cusack make you wish you had said rusty spoon to remove your eyes, then avoid this one since he's the only person on screen for about 90% of the movie. Sure Samuel L Jackson is listed in the credits, but he's got a very small part.
Overall, it's a good movie. I enjoyed the Character Study and the ending left me satisfied. It's not perfect, but what is? And as a bonus, I nearly shat myself.
Grade: B+
I caught Ocean's 13 last night and for those of you on the fence (or betting behind the line) on this one, rest assured they did it right. It's much, much better than 12, and as good as 11 - perhaps better in some areas.
It takes a special kind of person to enjoy these movies. Let's face it, if you wanted a serious movie, you'd head to the local two-screen cinema for a matinée of "Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." (/end obligatory South Park reference) and call it a night over a glass of chianti.
For the rest of us, we enjoy these movies because we get to watch a bunch of guys (the same guys every woman in the world would leave you for) rob a casino. Instead of Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta Jones, we guys get Ellen Barkin who can still put the sweet on the eye candy.
Everything that made the first one funny, and was left out of the second one, is back in the third. The jokes work, especially the inside ones between Clooney and Pitt. Plus, there are a few cameos from the previous movies that are understated and thus, hilarious. And Pacino is one "Hoo-ah!" short of perfect.
For those of you who know Vegas well, you'll enjoy the CG work done on the casino that appears right on the Strip. It's very impressive and it's how CG should be done in movies.
Great fun, and definitely worth a rental -- or a matinée.
Grade: B
So I got dragged to Paris, je t'aime last night. Yeah, I'd never heard of it either so I amused myself by telling everyone the title translated to "Paris is lame."
Imagine what would happen if you tell 18 directors to write 16 love stories, all set in Paris, and to keep it under two hours. Basically, you'd get Paris, je t'aime (Paris, I love you). Believe it or not, I was pleasantly surprised. It's sort of a gimmick, but it all works --- mostly.
Each story begins in a different part of town with different characters. You get the title of the story appearing in the corner along with the director (including the Coen brothers, Gus van Sant, and Wes Craven). You math geniuses have already deduced that each story runs about 5 minutes. That's a good thing in that there is no fluff and if one story sucks, you only have to suffer for a few minutes. But it's a bad thing, because there were a few stories I really enjoyed and wished they'd gone further with them.
The stories are basically clichéd love stories that have been reworked with a twist. Everything from the Golden Age of Cinema to vampire lovers. For those people who are really into film, this adds another interesting dimension to each story.
But the best part is all the famous actors that play very small parts. I won't ruin it by telling you who's in it (easy enough to find on the web), but there were many moments where the audience chuckled when a familiar face popped on screen.
Overall, I really enjoyed this one. It's worth checking out, not only because it's entertaining, but just to see how each director visioned a simple love story.
Grade: B+
May
4th
- Lucky You
- Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore chick flick --- There will be three people who watch it this weekend
- Spider-Man 3
- Oh hell yes!!!
11th
- The Flock
- No clue
- 28 Weeks Later
- This is the sequel to a pretty sweet zombie movie. If you haven't seen the first one, do.
- Delta Farce
- That "Git 'r Done" dude invades Mexico. My Spidey Sense is telling me this'll suck.
- Georgie Rule
- Jane Fonda and Lindsey Lohan. The one movie that'll suck more than Delta Farce.
- The Salon
- Might be a Barbershop rip-off.
18th
- Captivity
- Never heard of this one. But it's got that hot chick from 24 in it.
- Shrek the Third
- Another third movie in an outstanding series.
25th
- Bug
- Never heard of it, but it's an Ashley Judd movie. Which means it'll probably be worth a Netflix.
- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
- Our third threequel, for those counting. I hope it's better than the last one.
June
1st
- Gracie
- No idea
- Knocked Up
- This is that movie about the couple who have a kid, meet, then fall in love. Might be sweet. Might make you wanna gag.
- Mr. Brooks
- Never heard of it, but it's got Costner. Hmmmm, that means it'll be a three-hour bore-fest. I think I'll skip this one.
8th
- Surf's Up
- Yeah, I have no clue either.
- Hostel 2
- I never saw the first one, but heard it was a decent slasher flick. This one should be slashier
- Ocean's 13
- 11 was great, 12 was ok. Hopefully we'll get lucky with 13. (Fourth threequel)
15th
- Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
- Hey, it might not suck. I mean, the Silver Surfer is cool, right? Yeah....it'll suck.
- Fido
- I don't think this one's about dogs.
- Nancy Drew
- You've got to be kidding me...
22nd
- DOA: Dead or Alive
- Yeah, that DOA. A videogame, for those of who who have never heard of it. And yes, this will suck like a roundhouse to the balls.
- A Mighty Heart
- Never heard of it. But sounds like a movie based off an Oprah book. Excited yet?
- September Dawn
- At first I thought this was a Neil Diamond movie, but then I remembered his song was called September Morn. So this'll probably suck.
- Evan Almighty
- Whew, the weekend is saved.
29th
- Die Hard 4.0
- Live Free or Die Hard. I just saw Rocky Balboa and it was cool. Maybe Bruce Willis can still be cool at 60.
- Ratatouille
- It's Pixelworks doing a movie about a french rat. A movie set in France....I wonder if Jean Reno is in it?
- Death at a Funeral
- I wonder if they're trying to be clever here...
July
4th
- Transformers
- Yep. Transformers. What's cool -- they got most of the voices from the animated series. What's bad -- This is a Michael Bay film
- License to Wed
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA --- gag
13th
- 1408
- This is about a hotel room, not a historical epic 84 years before Columbus. Crap.
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
- I'm excited about the movie. I'm not too excited about the "Why'd they cut that out" discussions. :)
- The Strangers
- OK, what do you think about any movie a studio dumps on the same weekend as Harry Potter? You called it.... crapfest.
20th
- Hairspray
- I think this is based on a musical? That just makes me giddy. /rollseyes
- I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
- Adam Sandler goes gay on us. I guess this fits for this weekend with Hairspray also on tap.
27th
- I Know Who Killed Me
- I liked the title, then I saw that this is a Lindsey Lohan movie and got sad because we all know she don't know shit.
- No Reservations
- Oh I got plenty about this one.
- The Simpsons Movie
- Can I go without making a "Doh!" joke?
- Skinwalkers
- A story about two warewolf clans warring over a 12 yr old boy. Doh!
August
3rd
- Charlie Bartlett
- Robert Downy Jr. movie. No clue.
- The Bourne Ultimatum
- Our fifth threequel of the summer. I saw the trailer today and it's gonna rock!
- Hot Rod
- The stuntman movie that sounds like gay porn. I think I'll pass.
- Resurrecting the Champ
- This could have been the title to Rocky VI.
- Underdog
- Yeah, it's the Saturday morning cartoon dog...in a movie. Who knew?
10th
- Bratz: The Movie
- A movie about how little girls can dress like ho's. Just what we needed!
- Rocket Science
- No clue.
- Rush Hour 3
- Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth? This'll be hilarious. (Sixth threequel).
- Stardust
- The movie sites are calling this "The next Princess Bride." While bordering on blasphemy, I have my doubts.
And there ya have it. six threequels, plus many other sequels. Could be....interesting. But, there are a few good ones.
May 19:
The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown's factual work of fiction. And by factual, I mean completely made up.
Over the Hedge - Obligatory Animated summer movie for the kiddies, complete with talking animals.
May 26:
X-Men 3 - Brett Ratner takes over this franchise. Who's that? The same genius behind the "Rush Hour" movies. Yeah, I'm scared too.
June 2:
The Break-up - It's that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston movie no one cares about.
June 9:
The Omen - Remake of the old horror flick.
Cars - Pixar's latest animated movie. This time with talking cars instead of toys or animals.
June 16:
Nacho Libre - Jack Black as a wrestling monk. Both disturbing and funny -- just like Jack Black
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - I hear this one could win the Oscar. Well, maybe not.
Lake House - Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. That's all I know. I smell chick flick.
June 23:
Click - Adam Sandler takes control of man's perfect remote.
Garfield 2 - Ummmmmmmm. Spend your money on lasagna instead.
Waist Deep - No clue.
June 30:
Superman Returns - The guy that left X-Men, left for Superman. In other words, this should be outstanding.
July 7:
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - Cap'n Jack and crew battle Davey Jones. I'm there!
Little Man - Wayans' brothers comedy. Yeah, it won't be funny at all.
July 14:
Pathfinder - No clue
Pulse - No clue on this one either
You, Me and Dupree - Yep, no clue. I think this means this weekend is reserved for second viewings of Superman and Pirates.
July 21:
Lady in the Water - M. Night Shyamalan's latest. About a lady...in the water. No word on if Excalibur makes a cameo.
Monster House - Animated movie. Looks pretty funny
My Super Ex-Girlfriend - Uma Thurman with super powers...and bitter.
July 28:
Miami Vice - Colin Farrel as Crockett, and Jamie Foxx as Tubbs. Or is that the other way around?
The Barnyard - Yay, another animated movie with talking animals.
August 4:
Taladega Nights - Will Ferrell "comedy." I use that word loosely as I've yet to see Will Ferrell carry a movie on his own.
The Ant Bully - Animated. Talking animals. Sense a theme here?
August 11:
Accepted - Declined
World Trade Center - Another 9/11 movie. This is Oliver Stone's version. Lord help us.
Zoom - Tim Allen superhero movie. You saw it already back when it was called "The Incredibles"
Aug 18:
Snakes on a Plane - You see it's a movie about snakes....that are on a plane. But it's got Samuel L Jackson in it.
Aug 25:
Dead or Alive - This is a movie based on a fighting videogame. The game has absolutely no plot. Guess how good this movie will be.
How to Eat Fried Worms - I read this book when I was a kid. Doesn't mean I wanna see the movie, though.
Idlewild - No idea.
Material Girls - Hillary Duff movie. Visit the dentist instead. It would be less painful.
OK, so me and my posse went to the midnight showing of Spiderman 2 last night. The theater was kind enough to let everyone into the theater at 10pm, rather than stand in line for hours so we got to play 3-man Advanced Wars 2 from the comfort of our seats, listening to some no name, unsigned band the theater is trying to pimp out. Those two hours flew by quickly (with no help from my poor strategery in AW2) and soon enough the lights dimmed and cheers of joy erupted from the audience.
Now I'm not going to sit here and critique the details of this movie for you. For most of you, not much will keep you from seeing it. You know you want to see it. And trust me, you NEED to see this film. It's the best film this summer, and it's the best superhero film EVER. 'Nuff said.
But I will address what the critics are saying about this. You've all heard all the rave reviews this film has been getting. In fact, it's sitting at 96% Freshness rating now at Rottentomatoes.com. But there are those critics out there who live in a place I like to call Clueless. Here's a few...
First up is Boxofficemojo.com. If you've never visited this site, do so. Movie release strategy and finances fascinate me, and if that's your thing, this is the place for you to be. So, by logic, you'd assume that this site is run by accountants. A quick look at their reviewing history shows that accountants do not like superhero movies with no movie ever earning more than a 'C.' The Spidey 2 review here is really no different than what you'd expect from an accountant. He completely missed all humor in the film (Spiderman delivering pizza is classic) but, really, perhaps I expect too much from the bean counters. So if you've got a number fetish, perhaps this review will help you. For everyone else, read this review like you read tax law.
Next up is The Adrenaline Vault (www.avault.com). This site used to be my source for PC gaming goodness, but it seems to be in a decline lately, with other sites getting news info first. So to compete, The Vault has started doing movie reviews. Why gamers are experts at movies, I'll never know. But enough about my skills at calling cooking pots black; how's the review? Well, pretty good until this statement comes along, "The problem with the movie is that it doesn't stretch far from the original. " Now it's painfully obvious that this person fell asleep halway through the movie. I won't spoil it for ya, but things get DRASTICALLY different in the Spidey Universe at the end of this ride. Being a gamer, I would expect the guy do have mastered the art of staying up all night. If he can't make it through a two hour movie, I really have to question his qualifications as a gamer, and his title as "Geek" in general. This review should have been left locked in the vault.
Last up is Metacritic.com. Metacritic.com is the BEST place to get an overall view of a movie by averaging all reviews into one score. Very handy. A quick glance at the reviews show that there's one black sheep in the crowd of rave reviews. A review from The Village Voice gave it a 60. The bad reviews are always the most interesting, so I had to see what he had to say. Here's a snip, "...in this incarnation, as opposed to the '60s comic book version, he's more innocuously depressed than defensively paranoid." I really have no idea what that means, but it's incomparably lame. Obviously Spiderman did not have enough big words in it for this reviewer. Perhaps next time he should just read a dictionary. Webster even has the word "web" in it.
So there ya have it, peeps. You will go see Spiderman regardless of what anyone says and you can go without fear that it'll disappoint.
Grade: A+
June 11
-----------
Garfield - His 3 jokes were lame in the 80s -- still lame today.
Stepford Wives - riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Chronicles of Riddick - Catching the late show at the Promenade AMC 24.
June 18
----------
Around the World in 80 Days - yawn.
DodgeBall - might catch this -- looks FUNNY!
The Terminal - Tom Hanks -- can't be all bad, right?
June 25
-----------
White Chicks - ummmmmm, no.
The Notebook - No idea.
Two Brothers - That's that Tiger movie, kid flick.
July 2
---------
Spiderman 2 - Oh yes, definitely seeing this one. Friday for sure, maybe Wed, too.
America's Heart and Soul
Before Sunset
The Clearing
July 9
---------
King Arthur - Looks promising
Anchorman - Will Farrell always gives a good laugh.
Sleepover - Teenage Chick flick -- yawn
July 16
----------
I, Robot - Will Smith in an Azimov film. Looks good
A Cinderella Story
July 23
-----------
Catwoman - Um, no. The trailers even make me gag
Bourne Supremacy - Defnintely!
July 30
----------
Harold and Jumar Go to White Castle - ??? What? Your guess is as good as mine
The Manchurian Candidate - Oh yeah
The Village - M. Night Shyamalan's new movie -- love his work
Thunderbirds - Live action movie of that old show with the marionette's. In other words, crap
Aug 6
----------
Collateral - Tom Cruise new movie. Haven't heard a thing about it yet
Little Black Book - No idea
Aug 13
-----------
Princess Diaries 2 - I think a root canal would be less painless than sitting through this drivel
Aliens Vs. Predator - Wow easily could suck, but it's a film you just HAVE to check out. That might just be a guy thing
Yu-Gi-Oh! - How 'bout Yu-Gi-NO!!!
Aug 20
-----------
Exorcist IV - Hmmm, those still freak me out
Without a Paddle - No idea
Aug 27
----------
Anacondas - Hmm, snake movie with Christopher Walken. Sounds terrible
Benji Returns: Rags to Riches - You have GOT to be kidding me!
So there ya have it. Lots of weekend trips to the theater for sure.
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