John's Movie Musings

It's time again for our Summer Movie Round-Up. Remember back when we were kids, the Summer movies always started on Memorial Day? Not so anymore. Pretty much all of May is now filled with big blockbusters.

Here we go...


May 2:

• Ironman - Robert Downey Jr. makes a flying suit and becomes a super hero. No, I think he's sober in it.
• Made of Honor - Some chick flick with that dude from Grey's Anatomy.

May 9:

• Speed Racer - Well, the special effects look awesome.
• What Happens in Vegas - Ashton Kutcher AND Cameron Diaz in the same movie. It's like they took smaller parts from crappy movies and combined them into a super crapfest.

May 16:

• Narnia: Prince Caspian - I like what they did with LWW. Here's hoping for another winner.

May 22:

• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Indy is back! Yay! But he's got Shia LeBeouf with him. Nooooooo! N-n-no!
• Postal - Uwe Boll makes another crappy film. But hey, it's got Verne Troyer in it.

May 30:

• Sex in the City: The Movie - Well here's a movie that makes castration appealing.
• The Strangers - Meh. Some horror flick. Two in one weekend. Who'da thunkit?

June 6:

• Kung Fu Panda - Dreamworks animated movie that looks hilarious.
• You Don't Mess With the Zohan - Adam Sandler plays a Jewish hairstylist. I bet "he can do it."

June 13:

• The Happening - M. Night Shyamalan's latest. Gonna risk your $10 on this one? I may wait for the DVD.
• The Incredible Hulk - Remember that Hulk movie a few years ago that bombed. This is to help you pretend that never happened.

June 20:

• Get Smart - Steve Carrell certainly fits the part. Might be worth a look.
• The Love Guru - OK, take all of the Austin Powers jokes and tell them with an Indian accent. Behold, the new Mike Myers movie.

June 27:

• Wall-E - Pixar's latest. Should be alright.
• Wanted - WANTED.....Dead or aliiiiive. This is that stupid movie where they bend bullet trajectories. I suggest you sing Bon Jovi every time you see a poster for it. That'll be more entertaining.

July 2:

• Hancock - Hey look! A Will Smith movie on July 4th weekend.
• Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Mystery - When you go see Will Smith, pity the fathers getting dragged into this one.

July 11:

• Hellboy 2 - I hated the first one. Was there really demand for a sequel?
• Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - I still have no idea what to think of this one.
• Meet Dave - Fresh off Norbit, Eddie Murphy makes another movie.

July 18:

• The Dark Knight - Please be good. Please be good. Please be good.
• Mamma Mia! - ABBA returns!
• Space Chimps - If this were Pigs in Space, I'd so be there.

July 25:

• The Longshots - Probably a longshot for being good.
• Step Brothers - Will Ferrell and John C Reilly team up again. So basically it's Ricky Bobby 2.
• The X-Files: I Want to Believe - I want to believe this won't suck.

August 1:

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - Asian mummies. How bad can it be?
• The Rocker - Not a clue what this is. Maybe it's a chance for another Bon Jovi joke. But hey, it's got Dwight from The Office in it.
• He Just Not That Into You - That's what she said.
• Midnight Meat Train - That's what she said.

August 8th:

• The Pineapple Express - Now here's a title that makes ya wanna go to the movies!
• Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 - They made a sequel? Looks like I'll be needing a 2-for-1 deal on those castrations.

August 15:

• Mirrors - Reflect upon this and see if it sucks.
• Tropic Thunder - Ben Stiller movie. I challenge you to speak this title without sounding like a WWE announcer.
• Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Yeah, another Star Wars movie that is seriously lacking in hype. Maybe it'll be good?

So that's it for this year. Looks like it could be a strong one.