John's Movie Musings

I know you're asking why I'm reviewing a straight-to-video movie, but believe it or not, Dragon Wars was released in theaters last fall. It was there for like two days, but you did have the chance to spend $10 on it. Aren't you sad you missed it?

I knew nothing of this and only rented it 'cause it was in Blu-Ray. But after watching the special features, I learned that Dragon Wars is "based" on the Korean legend of the Imoogi (not to be confused with Unagi). The director had a huge desire to bring the Imoogi legend to the West. And out of this desire we get CGI dragons fighting in Los Angeles. Lucky us!

So let me explain the Imoogi legend. 500 years ago - wait. Why is it always 500 years? Why not 327, or 642? Anyway, 500 years ago a girl (named Yu-gi-oh or something) was born in Korea. Her job was to bond her essence with Imoogi so that he could become more powerful and win the dragon battle waging in heaven (Yes, I had to check the MPAA rating after hearing that. But it's all innoncent. Consider it something lost in translation). Unfortunately, before this could happen, the evil dragon came down and attacked the girl's village (well, more like a fortress, really). Now pay attention here. The evil dragon brought his entire army of soldiers, little flying dragons, and lizards with missile launchers on their backs. This massive force (with scenes straight out of Lord of the Rings) attacked the ancient fortress, only to be defeated by ninjas who appeared out of nowhere (duh). The ninja attack gave the girl enough time to escape to a cliff and commit suicide.

OK, I buy that. It was ninjas, after all.

Fast forward to today's Los Angeles and the girl is resurrected as a reject from "The O.C." There's a boy in all this, too, but I could never figure out his point in it. Anyway, he gets resurrected in LA, too. After a string of laughable coincidences, the two find each other just as the evil dragon appears. His army then materializes out of scrolls around the city and all hell breaks loose.

But where's Imoogi, you ask? Well he just kind of shows up for no reason. You see, the evil dragon's army kidnaps the two O.C. rejects and takes them to Mordor. Seriously. When they escape they have some charm on their necks that they finally decide to use, and when they do, the entire evil army evaporates. In two seconds, the battle is over. I was kinda bummed they didn't use the ninjas again. I realize they're ninjas, but I know of one that shouldn't have been too tough to find.
Anyway, Imoogi appears, essences are bonded, and everything is restored to normal.

OK, I won't draw this out. This is a crappy movie. Absolutely horrible. But, it's laughably bad, so it's kinda worth watching. Just like "American Idol."

Grade: F (but an A if watched during a Uwe Boll marathon).