John's Movie Musings

New Site!

2009-03-01T17:09:00.002-07:00

So I finally moved off Blogger onto my own site. Check it out at: johnsmoviemusings.com

Things are pretty similar to what they were here, but that'll change over time. The newest feature is a Review Index. I've been wanting one of those for a long time and finally have something that works.

The theme isn't perfect yet, so I may be playing with that until I settle on something I like. As always, if you have any suggestions/comments, please drop me a line.

See ya over there!

CJ7 - Review

2009-02-25T21:59:00.002-07:00

Children's movies are a lot like Asian movies. The bulk of them are morality tales. So what happens when you have an Asian Kid's movie? Well, picture Aesop with a big, toothy grin in his grave. You're welcome for that image. More on that later.

I threw CJ7 into my queue because it's a Stephen Chow film. If that name sounds familiar, he's the guy who did Kung Fu Hustle a few years ago. And if you saw that movie, you would be just as interested in CJ7 as I was. However, the two have nothing in common. One's a hilarious kung fu movie and the other is Chinese E.T. - cuter and with better special effects. That's not a bad thing.

Normally in my reviews, I try and avoid spoilers. In fact, I try to avoid talking about the movie as much as possible. Things just seem better that way. But this time I gotta give a little spoiler. You see, CJ7 deals with death. Lots of children's movies have some sort of death scene, but that's my point. Why?

I'm thinking about the movies I grew up with...Bambi, Old Yeller, that stupid dinosaur movie with Littlefoot that still gets me choked up. Even the few modern kids movies I've seen have a major death scene. Do Hollywood Directors have a vail that collects children's tears? Right next to the button that releases the hounds?

Maybe it's just 'cause I'm not a father, but it all seems backwards. You can't tell kids Santa is fake, but any animated mother won't make it ten minutes into the movie.

Oh well, go rent CJ7. If subtitles don't scare you, it's a cute morality tale. With death.

Grade: B+

And the Winners are...

2009-02-22T23:14:00.002-07:00

I missed most of the Oscars this year, but from what I did see, things seemed pretty classy. Hugh Jackman looked like he made a great host and I kind of enjoyed the "Let's Bring Out Famous People to Say Nice Things About the Nominees" sections.

However, I thought mixing in old movie clips into the Best Picture nominees was terribly lame. If these are the best pictures of the year, why do they need the help of past winners? Maybe they were hoping for conversations like: "Milk? What the f- ooh! Braveheart. That was a great movie."

Anyway, here are the winners:

BEST PICTURE
Slumdog Millionaire

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Sean Penn ("Milk")

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Kate Winslet ("The Reader")

DIRECTING
Danny Boyle ("Slumdog Millionaire)

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Heath Ledger ("The Dark Knight")

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Penelope Cruz ("Vicky Cristina Barcelona")

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Departures

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
"Wall-E"

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
''Man on Wire"

Heath Ledger, Wall-E, and Man on Wire all won, so all three of my expectations were met. Now I just gotta go see Slumdog Millionaire.

The Rocker - Review

2009-02-16T22:44:00.003-07:00

I watch a lot of crappy movies. It's not intentional, but just by sheer numbers, the odds are stacked against me. However, I do try and make it a point to finish all movies I start. Sometimes I'll postpone a movie for another day if I'm not in the mood for that genre, but I will eventually finish it. For The Rocker I made it about thirty minutes before shutting it off. It's that bad.

The only reason I threw this movie into my queue is because Dwight Schrute plays the lead. Like most of America, The Office happily takes a half hour tithe every week. I was hoping that indulgence reaped a small blessing on the big screen. That hope was obviously misplaced.

Fact: Dwight Schrute is not Jack Black. Neither is Rainn Wilson. That casting choice just makes the bad idea of making a School of Rock ripoff even worse.

Also, watching someone vomit in their hand and keep it in their pocket for good luck is not funny - not even for shock value. It's gross and, as a bonus, a disturbing look into the mental state of the writers.

I'm done talking about this. The Rocker is truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. So that's something, I guess.

Grade: F--

Max Payne - Review

2009-02-03T21:48:00.003-07:00

When was the last time you saw Mark Wahlberg crack a joke? The Happening? OK, I'll give you that one, but for the most part, Marky Mark always stars in serious movies. Perhaps a smile ruins one's chiseledness?

With this in mind, it's obvious that Max Payne was going to take itself seriously. The last time we tried a serious movie based on a video game, we got and In the Name of the KingHitman. Can you sense the anticipation?

The movie follows your basic "Policeman's wife and child get murdered and he's spent his life trying to find the killer." Sort of like OJ's story, if he was innocent. That's a fine tale, but they screwed it up.

The movie takes place several years after the case has gone cold. Predictably, a break happens and our man Mr. Serious is on it. Clues are discovered but they're the kind that should have been found years ago. For instance, when he meets someone with a peculiar tatoo at the beginning of the movie, it's not until almost the end when he finds out that tatoo is the same as one of the murderers. Seems like something a man would never forget. And always cause him to glower.

Max Payne also has some interesting casting choices. Our Rap Genius Hero gets involved in a very uncomfortable conversation with Nelly Furtado. In the immediate next scene, we're introduced to Internal Affairs officer Ludacris. We were just one Justin Timberlake away from an MTV Movie Awards skit.

I'll skip the whole Norse element only because I have no idea what it had to do with the story. If you know, or can think of a good reason it exists in the story, I may up the grade a letter. Until then...

Grade: D

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - Review

2009-02-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

I enjoy the Mummy movies. They're decent enough stories that exist only to have fun. Branden Fraser plays his part great and conveys a sense of fun and adventure that's normally reserved for keg stands.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the third movie in the series. Now quick, when was the last time you saw a great third movie? I'll give you Return of the King, but just barely. The Lord of the Rings should really be considered a single movie. But think of all the other franchises out there: Spider-Man 3, X-Men 3, Superman 3, The Godfather: Part III, Jaws 3D... It's like those games you played as a kid where you try and say something more disgusting than the guy before you.

The biggest problem with The Mummy 3 is that they changed or removed everything that made the first two so much fun. Remember all the funny Brendan Fraser scenes (How often do you hear that question?)? Well, there are so many new characters that he doesn't get much screen time. He's just there to yell about how ironic it is to fight yet another mummy.

Remember Rachel Weisz? She played Brendan Fraser's very English significant other. I have to point out she's English, because she has an accent. Ms. Weisz decided to sit out The Mummy 3, so she got replaced with Maria Bello, a fine American actress...with a bad English accent.

Now I understand that sometimes you have to replace actors in movies. But these guys didn't even try. It's like replacing 007's M with Mrs. Doubtfire. People are gonna notice.

Finally, there's just too much non-mummy action taking place. When the undead skeleton army gets raised, I started quoting Army of Darkness in the hopes that it would get better. It did, but not enough to recapture my joy of the series.

Here's hoping the next Mummy stays dead.

Grade: D+

Wanted - Review

2009-01-27T22:13:00.003-07:00

Back when I saw the trailer for Wanted I thought, "Well that looks just awful" with as much pretentiousness as Philip Seymour Hoffman with a venti half-caf double-shot latte. I mean come on, curving bullets by whipping the gun around really, really fast? No. Just no.

I also wondered why James McAvoy was in it. In the happy place my mind exists, Mr. Tumnus does not fraternize with Angelina Jolie. I look at that pairing like I do chocolate-filled bratwurst.

Turns out, the story's not too bad. This is assuming your expectations are appropriately aligned with a typical summer action flick. There's lots of gunplay - both with and without curving bullets, a few good car chases, and a high body count. But the actual story is a few notches above average. It's based off a comic and if they can make a two hour movie intriguing, I'm interested in what they did in print.

The biggest problem is that instead of being all fun and games, Wanted takes itself a bit too seriously. Think of the Garden of Eden. Action movies need to stay in the Garden where it's all fun and happy. But some decide they want to leave the Garden and explore Drama Fields. But Drama Fields leads to Gnashing Forrest, then into the Cliffs of Despair. This is not necessary, Mr. Action Movie. Stay fun and happy in the Garden. It's what's best.

Grade: B-

Gran Torino - Review

2009-01-25T23:03:00.003-07:00

In your average story, is it important to like the hero? I'd say a good story requires you to root for the hero, but must they be likable?

Gran Torino is Clint Eastwood's latest about an extremely racist vet living with Korean neighbors. Now grumpy old men have long held a high place in cinema. When on the side of the hero, they are usually very popular characters. After The Fellowship of the Ring, Peter Jackson was going to tone down Gandalf's grumpiness until their screen tests showed audiences loved him. He got grumpier in the sequels.

Eastwood pushes his grumpy old man character to the edge of acceptability. His character has no relationship with his family, generally hates people, and is racist to the core.

Yet despite all those flaws, I (and everyone else in the theater) still saw him as a good man. It made me wonder how many character flaws a hero can have and still be "good."

The movie is not perfect, though. The acting is a little uneven at points when it needs to be strong. Most of the performances are great, so those weak scenes don't affect the impact of the story. The ending is also very satisfying.

I've heard some pretty strong reactions from friends who have seen this. If you have, please let me know what you thought of it.

Grade: B+

And the Nominees are...

2009-01-22T20:14:00.005-07:00

The official Oscar nominations were announced early this morning.

Here we go...

Best Picture:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

I haven't seen a single one of these. The Dark Knight and Wall-E were my favs of 08. So yeah, we're off to a pretty typical start.

Best Actor:

Richard Jenkins ("The Visitor")
Frank Langella ("Frost/Nixon")
Sean Penn ("Milk")
Brad Pitt ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")
Mickey Rourke ("The Wrestler")

Best Actress:

Anne Hathaway ("Rachel Getting Married")
Angelina Jolie ("Changeling")
Melissa Leo ("Frozen River")
Meryl Streep ("Doubt")
Kate Winslet ("The Reader")

Any guesses?

Director:

David Fincher ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")
Ron Howard ("Frost/Nixon")
Gus Van Sant ("Milk")
Stephen Daldry ("The Reader")
Danny Boyle ("Slumdog Millionaire)

I guess I should check out some of these movies.

Best Supporting Actor:

Josh Brolin ("Milk")
Robert Downey Jr. ("Tropic Thunder")
Philip Seymour Hoffman ("Doubt")
Heath Ledger ("The Dark Knight")
Michael Shannon ("Revolutionary Road")

Best Supporting Actress:

Amy Adams ("Doubt")
Penelope Cruz ("Vicky Cristina Barcelona")
Viola Davis ("Doubt")
Taraji P. Henson ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")
Marisa Tomei ("The Wrestler")

Well I didn't see any of the women, but happy to see both Heath Ledger and Robert Downy Jr. for the men. But if these awards mean anything, it's gotta go to Heath.

Best Animated Film:

"Bolt"
"Kung Fu Panda"
"Wall-E"

Hey, I saw all those. Gotta be Wall-E.

Documentary:

"The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)"
''Encounters at the End of the World"
''The Garden"
''Man on Wire"
''Trouble the Water"

Hey look, Man on Wire made it.

Of all the nominations, Benjamin Button got 13, Slumdog Millionaire got 10, The Dark Knight and Milk each had 8, while Wall-E got 6.

So any predictions? They are predicting a huge audience this year because The Dark Knight (a movie people actually watched) is up for so many awards. I guess we'll find out on Feb 22.

Man On Wire - Review

2009-01-20T20:51:00.003-07:00

The French catch a lot of flack for a number of things. Traditionally, they're not known for their cajones. See? I had to use Spanish because there is no French equivalent. n'est-ce pas?

But there's one man in all of France who defied that stereotype: Philippe Petit. Back in the 70s, he made a habit of stringing trapeze wires across tall buildings. And then walking across it. Multiple times. Backwards. As you can see from the poster, his tour de force was the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. France should hang these posters all over the country with a caption, "He's from France, bitches."

Monsieur Petit is such an interesting character that I could have easily listened to him for several more documentaries. He has this charisma that really only a Frenchman could possess. His hands are very animated and every beat of his story is presented in a truly dramatic fashion.

As fascinating as I found his story, it turned out to be a very sad tale. He survives the walks in the sky(sorry, spoiler), but gives up so much in the process. I had wished they talked about 9/11 since the Towers were such a huge focus, the tragedy of them could mirror the personal tragedies in his life.

Man on Wire has so much going for it, the recommendation is easy. It's expected to be up for an Oscar this year, so we'll find out this week if it gets the nomination.

Grade: A

Into the Wild - Review

2009-01-18T21:54:00.003-07:00

What is it within a man's psyche that causes him - no, forces him on a Quest of self discovery? Every man reaches a point in his life where he finally asks, "What am I made of?" When that question comes and there's not a good answer to be found, every other aspect of life becomes second priority. Wife, kids, job, money...everything. And it seems that answer can be found alone in the most remote parts of this planet.

Several years ago I remember a 20/20 special about Robert Bogucki, an Alaskan firefighter who wandered the Australian Outback for 43 days before being discovered. His reason was a simple, "I just wanted to spend a while on my own. Just nobody else around. Just make peace with God, I guess." When describing his experience on TV, I remember him breaking down at several moments. This question resides deep in a man's heart.

Death isn't even a deterrent for a man on this Quest. In fact, death and danger help find the answer. In the bonus commentaries of Into the Wild, the author makes a comment about his Quest. He says, while sitting up a little higher, "I almost died...twice." Death's presence helps legitimize the Quest.

I say all of this to establish the foundation required for Into the Wild. Without it, the movie would still be good, but you would miss so much. Specifically, you'd still ask "why?" after the credits rolled. With the foundation, you know why.

Into the Wild should be required viewing for any man, or anyone who considers himself one. For those of you who have been on your Quest, it'll stir up things that may have gone unresolved. For those still yet to embark, the movie may touch that dark, secluded part of your heart that's been dead for far too long.

Grade: A

And we're back...

2009-01-14T09:39:00.002-07:00

CES is finally over and I'm slowly getting back into normal life. Reviews coming soon.

Bolt 3D - Review

2009-01-04T23:50:00.003-07:00

3D movies are slowly evolving out of the Gimmick Goo in Hollywood (It's next to the La Brea Tar Pits, for those taking a vacation). The last effort, Journey to the Center of the Earth, took the "Hey! It's 3D! Do it" approach. In these initial stages, that's ok 'cause it's new. Brendan Fraser can spit on people all day but if any other movies do it, people will realize that it's gross and 3D will go the way of the Dodo.

Bolt treats 3D like a good referee. The ones that aren't a distraction and blend themselves seemlessly into the main event. We watch movies for the story, not so we can wear glasses that make us look totally awesome. Well, I look totally awesome in 3D glasses. You don't?

Is this the perfect use of 3D in cinema? Hard to say. Bolt is a animated, talking dog movie. Not exactly high drama, here. Should 3D be used differently in animated features than say, a Western? That makes sense in theory, but we don't have a 3D drama to test. We may have to wait until Avatar next Christmas to get the answer.

So what about Bolt's story? This question can be phrased, "Is Bolt worth watching in 2D?" I say...sure. It's not the funniest movie ever, but the hamster has so many scene steals that it's probably worth watching just for him. There's some good action scenes worth checking out, too. Oh and it's got funny cats. Gotta love funny cats.

It's still in theaters, so see it for the 3D. When it's out on DVD, it's still worth a rental.

Grade: B-

What You Probably Saw in 2008

2008-12-31T17:03:00.004-07:00

Goodbye 2008. Did it end like a Hollywood kiss, complete with a camera pan to the sky? Or was it full of hype, yet utter disappointment? With the year come and gone, here's the top ten money-makers. And not a single pretentious art-house flick amongst 'em. Suck on that, Ebert.

#10) Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who! - $155M
Never did see this. I hear it's popular with the lil' ones. But so is Speed Racer. Yeah.

#9) Quantum of Solace - $165M
Not nearly as good as Casino Royale. But I still like this start, restart Mr. Bond.

#8) Twilight - $170M
A vampire movie that feeds on testosterone. Just like the undead in Sex and the City.

#7) Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - $175M
I must say, this is surprisingly high considering the first was pretty weak.

#6) Kung Fu Panda - $215M
It's so full of awesome, not even Chuck Norris could squelch it.

#5) WALL-E - $224M
Really close to The Dark Knight for my best of the year. It warrants a second watching.

#4) Hancock - $228M
How Hancock beats WALL-E is unfathomable. Seriously? Hopefully none of you bought the DVD.

#3) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $317M
Yeah, yeah. You like Hancock and I like Indy. We're even.

#2) Iron Man - $318M
Great story. Weak villian. Definitely awaiting the sequel and the VH-1 Behind the Movie special.

and of course...

#1) The Dark Knight - $531M
I've seen it twice and still want to see it again. They are re-releasing it in theaters ahead of the Oscars to build up hype for Heath Ledger and to try and topple Titanic's $601M total. Go see it in IMAX if you can.

Thanks 2008. Now get out of here and fetch me Twenty Oh Nine.

Thanks BoxOfficeMojo!!

What Would Jesus Buy? - Review

2008-12-25T12:49:00.003-07:00

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope in this season love, friendship, and togetherness you didn't leave out that most important of traditions - consumerism. What Would Jesus Buy indeed.

So yeah, this movie is about the American Commercialization (thanks, Scott!) of Christmas. More to the point, it's about how evil it is. The plot follows "Reverend Billy" and his Church of No Shopping as they protest in a bus. I guess the Church of No Originality was already taken.

"Billy" isn't a real person. He's more of a caricature of a televangelist. I found myself wondering what Billy was like with the cameras off since he never seems to drop the act. For example, when the church is performing an exorcism on the sign outside Wal-Mart headquarters, he falls face first into the Hedge of Protection around it. No, literally, he fell into the bushes. In the scene following, he's all depressed that he didn't actually fly into the sign. Bravo for staying in character, Billy. Unless that's really you. Then I'll back away slowly.

You would think that Wal-Mart plays the Great Satan in this church. But you'd be wrong. The Great Satan is Mickey Mouse. Maybe it's because I don't have kids, but when I think of over-consumerism, Disney's not that high on my list. I'm guessing the Church of No Shopping needed a mascot to crucify and since Wal-Mart doesn't have one, the Mouse would have to do.

So the movie is odd, to say the least. So odd that it detracts from its message. Yes, hyper-consumerism is bad, but our economy depends on Black Friday. So like everything in this world, use some wisdom and find the balance.

And may you all have a very Merry Christmas.

Grade: C

The X-Files: I Want to Believe - Review

2008-12-16T22:50:00.004-07:00

When was the last time you saw an episode of The X-Files? The shark-jumping movie came out ten years ago and I stopped watching the show long before then. So now you know how I went into the latest X-Files flick.

Because it's been long enough for Scully and Mulder to have been replaced with Spears and Lohan in our collective memories, The X-Files: I Want to Believe has a stand-alone plot, having nothing at all to do with the series. I guess Hollywood decided to give the aliens to Indiana Jones this year. What? Too soon?

Unfortunately, the movie both succeeds and fails because it stands alone. Since I can barely remember what Scully and Mulder look like, I can watch this without being an X-phile. That's a good thing. It probaby would have helped if I had remembered why Mulder's sister was so important, so if you do, you'll catch a few more things than I did.

The bad part is that the plot does not belong in the X-Files universe. There's some surfacy psychic/religious nonsense, but the basic plot really belongs in an Ashley Judd movie. Mulder has no use in a normal murder mystery. Is the movie creepy? Yes. Supernatural? Nope. But you will definitely remember the big reveal for a long time.

So yeah, this movie only got made for the diehard fans. If that's you, you saw it over the summer. If you have any passing interest, give it a go. There's plenty of worse stuff out there.

Grade: B-

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) - Review

2008-12-14T16:46:00.005-07:00

"Klaatu barada nikto" is one of the most famous lines in science fiction. From the X-Files to The Rockford Files, the line has been referenced everywhere (Wikipedia is awesome). It even made a special appearance in The Greatest Movie Ever Made, though not in it's original form.

The phrase originated in the, um original The Day the Earth Stood Still from 1951. For a simple, stupid phrase, it's sure got some legs. But now, Hollywood has decided to repackage the movie all Keanu-fied with new effects. Whoa.

I've yet to see the 1951 version. It's a classic and the one thing Version 2.0 has going for it is the desire to watch the original. If you've been reading RottenTomatoes, you'd think that's all it's got going for it. I didn't think it's bad as everyone says it is.

Regarding Keanu... Let's face it, the man was made for Neo. But in a world devoid of The Matrix, Keanu would have been made for Klaatu, the humanoid, stoic alien in The Day the Earth Stood Still. Now let's just hope for Point Break 2: Point Breakier.

So I didn't know much of anything about this movie, and while what I saw wasn't the best ever, I enjoyed it. I may have gotten a little preachy at times, but this one's definitely worth a rental.

Oh, and that famous phrase? Yeah, it's not in this. Go figure.

Grade: C+

Dark City - Review

2008-12-09T19:41:00.004-07:00

Every now and then I come across the "Pfft, You Are a Movie Idiot Unless You've Seen These" list. Inevitably, Dark City is always on it and my ego turns into Eeyore.

But recently, the Director's Cut was released and I finally sat down to watch it. The first character you meet is Jack Bauer. Except he's playing a slightly deranged doctor instead of Chuck Norris' worst nightmare. That caught me off guard a bit, but eventually I settled in.

As I've started watching more movies for this blog, I've been noticing more of the style directors throw into a movie. For example, did you know that in The Fifth Element, there is a full circle in the background of nearly every shot? In Dark City, Alex Proyas puts most of the lighting in the background so that everyone is shadowed or a complete silhouette. Foreground light is used sparringly, mostly to highlight something important or Jennifer Connelley. Can't say I'd do things any different if I were Alex.

One last thought. What's the difference between a "twist" and the big "reveal" at the end? I think they've meant the same thing to me, but after Dark City, I'm going to start paying more attention. The big "reveal" in this is the reason it's on so many of those lists. Maybe it's a twist. I don't know. But it goes on my list of Best.Endings.Ever. Seriously. Watch this movie.

Grade: A

Revolver - Review

2008-12-02T21:56:00.004-07:00

Guy Ritchie is the poster boy for British Heist flicks. Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels are classics filled with great scenes and memorable characters. He even did those BMW commercials that were all the rage a few years ago.

But then Mr. Ritchie married Madonna and everything went down the crapper. Or the loo, as they say across the Pond.

Revolver was Guy Ritchie's project back in 2005 - around the time things started getting bad with the missus. (side note: That's the first time I've written "missus" other than "Mrs." I had to look it up). Instead of being a heist movie, Revolver is the familiar cousin - a British Con flick. Since "con" has a negative meaning, I'm assuming this was done on purpose as a reflection of his marriage.

The movie is a complete mess. The plot is all over the place and for some reason, there's an excessive use of famous quotes. There are four or five in the opening credits, and if that wasn't enough, all of the characters join in the fun throughout the movie. It's like Bartlett's Familiar Quotations was passed around set and everyone had to work his favorite into the film somehow.

Despite all the flaws, I can't blame Guy Ritchie. After all, how could anyone create a complex con story, full of twists and red herrings, with the wife nagging about Kabbalah classes.

Grade: D

Vantage Point - Review

2008-11-30T22:30:00.003-07:00

Every now and then, a movie comes along with a gimmick it tries to sell. In Vantage Point, the gimmick is 20 minutes of plot told from different angles. It's cinema with Instant Replay.

As far as gimmicks go, this one's not the worst you've seen. In fact, it's what got me interested in the movie to begin with. But in order for something like this to work, it has to treat the audience with some respect. Unfortunately, this doesn't.

The plot centers around a Presidential assassination at a UN rally in Spain. There are a half dozen or so different viewpoints of the action (Secret Service, News crew, Tourist, etc), but each one follows a set formula: Introduction to the character, where they are at the assassination, and finally a big reveal before the film rewinds and you move on to the next character.

Sounds great on paper, but that big reveal at the end? Yeah, it always stays hidden from the audience. For example, in one of the early scenes, a Secret Service agent is reviewing some footage from the news crew and finds something important. But you don't get that information. No, you just get a long, drawn out shot of Mr Secret Service agent with a stupid look on his face.

Thrillers can't do this and be taken seriously. Imagine a murder mystery where the killer is known by the good guys within the first five minutes after the fingerprint database gets a hit. But his identity is artificially hidden from you until the end. Now that I've given that example, I'm sure there's some great movie out there that did that. I don't care. For most, the audience needs to be pulled into the experience by the clues and drawn down a specific, logical path only to come to a surprise, logical conclusion. None of this "hide the important details from the audience" nonsense.

Vantage Point is not horrible. But you're left wishing you could rewind it and have it magically get better the second time through.

Grade: C

Tropic Thunder - Review

2008-11-25T23:15:00.004-07:00

You ever miss a movie that everyone else on the planet has seen? And then you have to suffer for months hearing about how great it is. Each passing day slowly chips at your psyche while you wake up every morning with the thought of, "Today I'm less awesome than yesterday."

Tropic Thunder was like that for me. I kept hearing about how it was the funniest movie of the summer and that even Tom Cruise Haters love it. Well it finally showed up last week and to use the newest, official word in English language...it was meh.

Now obviously a movie with this much anticipation is going to be a letdown. But it was more than that. You see, Tropic Thunder is just Galaxy Quest with an R rating. And not as funny. Sure there are parts that are great. Robert Downy Jr, for instance. But it's the same "actors get thrust into a real life situation while thinking they are still acting" plot dropped into Vietnam, Sim City-style.

Galaxy Quest was (is) great because it's a very quotable movie. Just like So I Married an Axe Murderer. Those comedies get their laughs from the witty dialog that allow you to insert into everyday situations for a well-timed joke.

Tropic Thunder opts for shock jokes. Those can be funny, but only if used with restraint. For example, a child that drops a surprise F-bomb in the grocery store can be hilarious. A child that curses like a sailor is not funny and only makes people uncomfortable. Same with movies. Unfortunately, Tropic Thunder wears out its shock limit and runs out of funny.

Skip this and go watch Galaxy Quest.

Grade: C

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Review

2008-11-23T23:30:00.003-07:00

Did you know there was a Star Wars movie out this summer? Did you know there's also a cartoon series on right now? Did you know Star Wars has been relegated to the bargain bin of cinema? All true.

The TV series first introduced me to this version of The Clone Wars - not the 2003 version of 10-minute shorts. That series was pretty good. No, I'm talking about the series that the movie was a giant commercial for. I tried watching an episode. I mean, I really tried and I couldn't survive more than ten minutes.

It's with that experience that I went in to the movie version of The Clone Wars. Believe me, I was prepared for the biggest raping of Star Wars since Greedo fired that first shot. As it turns out, it wasn't that bad. Oh it was awful, but it was better than the TV episode.

Those of you who have seen this know that I'm not exactly the target audience. It's a kids movie, bar none. They even introduce a kid Jedi as the main character. That's sign #1 that someone is going to call a lightsaber "cute." The Sith aren't really evil, either. They're more of a galactic annoyance. Sort of like a parent who won't let you stay up late.

That's really my only complaint with The Clone Wars. It's an average movie that most kids will probably love. We (sort of) grown-ups can suffer through it without many side effects.

Grade: C-

Quantum of Solace - Review

2008-11-17T00:06:00.003-07:00

Quantum of Solace is finally here. The first Bond movie as a direct sequel pulled in over $70M this weekend. That easily shatters the record for a Bond flick. And after Casino Royale, this should be no surprise.

Casino Royale was great because of the emotional turmoil Bond went through. Quantum of Solace picks up that journey and carries it to the next step. Not a conclusion, though. This leaves Quantum feeling like part two of a trilogy. Not a bad thing, but the movie can't stand on its own as well as the first. That also means you must see Casino Royale before this one.

Now that we have two movies in this Bond "reboot," I've come to discover certain elements. First, the action scenes are freaking awesome. I think Quantum has one too many, but that's only a minor quibble.

I've also noticed that Bond's cars are more beautiful than his women. That's normal. But here, the cars get demolished to the point where every man in the audience lets out a painful "oooh." Don't believe me? Go see Quantum this week and listen.

Another point on the cars. In the old Bond movies, 007 would drive Aston Martins or upscale BMWs (looking pristine) in the poorest of third-world countries. Here, Bond actually drives what's available in the region. It's a small thing, but it's a nice touch of realism I appreciate.

One last point. The reviews are very mixed for Quantum of Solace. I think it fits perfectly with the universe set up in Casino Royale, but I will concede that the villian is mostly forgettable and the plot is a lot simpler this time. But none of those distracted me from loving it. Think of it as leftover pie. Yeah, it's not as great as when it was first out of the oven, but it's still pie.

Grade: A-

Doomsday - Review

2008-11-11T23:08:00.003-07:00

What was the last, good post-apocalyptic movie you saw? Escape From New York? Mad Max? Those are classic, fun movies. They're also almost thirty years old. For all of you who saw them in the theater...HA HA!

But why is this genre so full of crappy movies? Fear of a nuclear holocaust has been with us for over fifty years. Plagues aren't exactly a new idea, either. But for some reason, Hollywood can't get past Mad Max. Come on writers, I'm begging for a great story within that desolation.

So Doomsday is yet another crapfest set fifty years after "the virus that changed everything." It's a British movie, so I found it hilarious that the virus pops up in Glasgow and all of Scotland has to be quarantined behind a wall. Perhaps the director got tired of all the praise Braveheart got, hehe.

The movie doesn't decend into Mad Max territory right away. Instead, it starts out pretty good. The movie takes place in 2067 and has a very "near future" feel to it. Of course, this is accepting a future that has a wall around the whole of Scotland.

But then tragedy strikes. At about the 20-minute mark, every scene is worse than the one before it. Consistently. To the end. I'm not kidding. The director stops filming Doomsday and moves to Mad Max. After a few minutes of that, he moves to Braveheart. It's like he visited Scotland for the first time and said, "Hey look! Castles!" He would then tell his writer with confidence, "They would survive a plague. And people would give up central plumbing to live in one."

Yeah, I'm still trying to shake this from my memory. Please avoid it.

Grade: D-

Kung Fu Panda - Review

2008-11-09T22:45:00.003-07:00

Of all the Summer Movies I missed this year, Kung Fu Panda is the one I most wanted to see. That probably gives some embarrassing insight into my psyche, but this is the internet where everyone finds a home. Mine just has an extra bouncy castle or two.

Anyway, Kung Fu Panda is Dreamworks' latest entry into the Animated Talking Animal genre. In earlier days, these movies relied heavily on pop culture references. Thankfully, Kung Fu Panda stands on its own and only gets its influences from proper Asian cinema. OK, maybe not proper Asian cinema. But I am talking about good kung fu movies and not something with Steven Segal.

Jack Black plays the titular panda and you'll probably have mixed reactions to that. But what I find hilarious is blatant, comedic arrogance and for that, Jack Black is perfect. There's a line in the beginning where the people were "blinded by his awesomeness." Having Jack Black deliver that line adds just the right amount of awesome to make it funny. Trust me.

Like all good kung fu movies, this one's a pretty simple morality tale of finding your strength within. It tells the tale well, but there was also some good stuff about finding peace in things we can't control. Those scenes went deeper than I expected from a bunch of talking animals, but it's great stuff. The kind you steal and offer to others when they're down.

Kung Fu Panda was everything I hoped it would be from the trailers. Check it out.

Grade: A

Mongol - Review

2008-11-04T23:23:00.003-07:00

How much do you know about Genghis Khan? From what I remember of my history classes, he was a ruthless Mongolian who conquered most of Asia. Mongol is a film out of Russia that tells his story... the first part anyway.

You see, Mongol is the first film in a trilogy of the khan's life. It starts way back when Genghis was just a little nine year old mongoloid. One day, he and his father were having a Mongolian BBQ with their enemies when his dad gets poisoned. Thus sets little Genghis on his Blues Brothers-like journey to get the clans back together.

Mongol reminded me a lot of Braveheart mixed with a good Western. There were lots of good father - son moments and the love story brought back memories of Scotland. Wait. A love story? Yeah. Mongol paints a completely different picture of Genghis Khan than what you may have. To be fair, it is only the first movie, so the man has a few more hours to get ruthless.

That all said, the movie is awesome. The cinematography is so good, I now want to visit Mongolia. And the director didn't use a lot of CG work. According to IMDB, he actually imported 1500 horses for the battle scenes. And it all looks violently fantastic.

Mongol lost the Oscar this year to La Vie en Rose. I haven't seen that one yet, but Mongol definitely deserved the nomination. Check this one out for sure.

Grade: A

88 Minutes - Review

2008-11-02T21:16:00.003-07:00

You ever watch a movie and come away feeling that something just ain't right about it? 88 Minutes did that to me. It's an entertaining two hours, but acted like a diversion while someone robbed me.

The movie is a Pacino flick that fits squarely into the thriller genre. He plays a forensic psychologist who gets a phone call from Mr. Heavy Breath saying he's got 88 minutes to live. What is a forensic psychologist? I'm certain they just made it up. CSI has made forensics cool and that helps psychologists - who are still dull and boring unless they are talking to mobsters.

Whenever you have a title like 88 Minutes, there had better be a good reason for it. I'm happy to say the writers got this right. The number is significant and fits very nicely into the plot.

Unfortunately, I think that's the only thing I can compliment the writers on. The dialog wasn't all that great. There are some recognizable actors in this that only have one or two lines and weren't integral to the story. I'm not sure why they were even in this.

Another is that everything seems forced. The characters don't necessarily act unnaturally, but everyone acts as if their primary motivation is to advance the plot. There were lots of contrived conveniences here.

This one's far from great; far from horrible. Overall, it's forgettable.

Grade: C

In the Valley of Elah - Review

2008-10-31T00:05:00.004-06:00

The Iraq War is certain to be a topic for movies these days. But it's one I find myself not ready to enjoy. Perhaps it's a little too soon, or maybe it's just not a subject full of much entertainment yet. But movies are supposed to pull emotion out of difficult subjects, so maybe the timing is perfect.

In the Valley of Elah is a movie centered around the war, but not so much about it. It treats it as a fact of life and the story itself could be told in any number of situations.

Tommy Lee Jones plays a dad whose son goes AWOL days after returning from Iraq. There have been plenty of "find my son" movies in the past and this one holds up well. Except for the end that I'll get to later.

The plot is very well told and of course Tommy Lee Jones and Charlize Theron give excellent performances. The writers give you enough information to string you along and the movie had my full attention the whole way through it.

Now I expected the tone of the movie to be anti-war. And it is. But it crosses another line and appears to have an anti-military bend to it. That bothered me as I didn't feel the director didn't need to go there. The plot was strong enough on its own that I didn't need him injecting his own thoughts into scenes.

That all culminates at the end.

The character Tommy Lee Jones plays is well defined in the movie. He's a man of character, with some very notable flaws. However, in the last scene, the director strips all that character away and replaces it with himself. This causes Tommy Lee Jones to do something that was really unnecessary. It made me angry and really turned me off of the rest of the movie. Which is sad because the rest is so very good.

So I don't know how to recommend this. One the one hand, it has a great story you will probably enjoy. But the end put me in a really bad mood.

I think I'm going to tip the scales to the negative. If you've seen this, let me know what you thought of the last scene.

Grade: C-

Shine a Light - Review

2008-10-29T00:01:00.000-06:00

With Halloween fast approaching, I thought it appropriate that I watch something scary. Since I don't do well with horror flicks, I thought watching the Rolling Stones in HD would qualify.

So I got interested in Shine a Light when I heard Scorsese was directing it. But the final product turned out way different than I was expecting. I had hoped Scorsese would chronicle the Stones through one of their tours. Instead, I just got a single benefit concert. That's not a bad thing by any means, but filming a single concert is kind of a waste of talent for a director of that caliber.

The best part of the whole movie is right at the beginning where Scorsese is trying to coordinate how the concert will be filmed. The Stones pay very little attention to the man and I can only imagine how painful that must have been after years of actors following his lead. It all culminates with Scorsese getting the set list minutes before the concert starts. It's pretty funny.

So as a concert, it's pretty good. Of course that'll depend on how much you like the Stones. But if you do, the guys still know how to put on a show and all the songs still sound great. They do lose points for putting "Paint it Black" in the bonus features instead of the main film, but at least it's there.

Grade: B

10,000 BC - Review

2008-10-27T00:39:00.003-06:00

Outside of a Geico commercial, have cavemen been a huge source of entertainment? Yeah, there was that Brendan Fraser movie, but that doesn't count because of Pauly Shore.

Well, the guy who made Independence Day thought there might be a story, but halfway through the movie he realized there wasn't anything there. And like a good director that only has part of a story, what does he do? Ad-lib, of course.

Let me explain. When I think of 10,000 years before Christ, I think of men dressed in furs hunting woolly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. It's like Dances With Wolves with bigger tatankas. And that's exactly how the movie starts out. There's a tribe of people up in the frozen tundra (possibly Green Bay) trying to make a living on mammoth steaks.

But then, tragedy strikes. Members of the tribe are kidnapped by raiders, bound in metal shackles, and transported to Egypt. Now let's disect that...

I'm no expect in metallurgy, but I've never heard of cavemen miners. Sort of makes all that bone useless, don't it? And from what I recall, mammoths and saber-tooth tigers were up in Siberia. That's a long ways from Egypt. And since no one ages in the movie, I'm guessing the director assumed we knew nothing of geography. It is an American movie, so he gets a pass for that.

But here's where I lost it. Let's assume the Iron Age happened a few thousand years early, and let's assume the ancient barbarians were all Egyptian. Even if I take all that, there is absolutely no way I'm going to believe the mammoths were domesticated and built the pyramids.

No, 10,000 B.C. Just no.

Grade: F

The Bank Job - Review

2008-10-21T23:49:00.003-06:00

There seems to be this sub-genre of British Heist movies hitting us from across the Pond. Starting with Robin Hood, it seems as if the Brits have this fascination with thievery. Or perhaps that's just the stuff they export over here 'cause we're the ones who like the five-finger discount.

The Bank Job is your typical bank-robbery-gone-bad-but-not-in-the-way-we-expected-to movie. In fact, it's so typical I was bored out of my mind for the first half.

Supposedly the movie is based on a true story in the 70s. Someone had some risque photos stored in a bank deposit box that needed to be dealt with. That's fine and all, but the parts before and during the actual "bank job" are pretty freakin dull. The movie tries to manufacture some suspense during the job, but I couldn't tell if those things actually happened, or if the director just realized the robbery was historically boring and needed a little spicing up.

Things begin to pick up once the crew finds something of interest in the vault and I found myself paying more attention. Parts are good, but the ending just kind of left things unsettled. Then, to top it all off, the final credits say that the events are true but the names have all been changed "to protect the guilty." That makes me think I'd find more truth in the Wikipedia article.

As you can see, Jason Statham is in this. He and lots of other people with accents are good enough for the genre. Not bad, but not great. Just like the movie.

Grade: C+

Appaloosa - Review

2008-10-19T21:24:00.003-06:00

What makes a good Western? If I had to narrow it down to three things, I'd say a good gunfight, a train/stagecoach robbery, and Clint Eastwood. Since Mr. Eastwood has gone behind the camera these days, it's up to others to fill his saddle. In Appaloosa, Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen take the reigns.

As a genre, Westerns rarely drift from the Lone Ranger type of hero. In many of Clint Eastwood's movies, he rarely had a name. This all helped define the cowboy archetype - rugged, stoic, and alone. The tagline in Appaloosa's poster even says, "Feelings get you killed." As you can tell, we're in familiar territory here.

And this is where Appaloosa shines. With Ed and Viggo playing typical cowboys, Renee Zellweger comes along and turns this into a character study. Where most Westerns take the Cowboy as a given and go forth on a good vs. evil story, Appaloosa actually examines the psyche of the Cowboy...in the middle of a good vs. sort of gray story. This all results in a slower paced movie, but I enjoyed the ride.

Like always, Jeremy Irons plays the villian. But he does a great job giving his character a personality without slipping into Jeremy Irons. I wish all actors were that good.

If you're in the mood for a Western, this one's solid. Not perfect, but certainly worth your two hours. Ed Harris directed and there are some shots that are simply brilliant. Definitely watch this if you love great cinematography.

Grade: B+

The Forbidden Kingdom - Review

2008-10-15T22:39:00.004-06:00

Remember Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Or Hero? Or House of Flying Daggers? All are fantastic Asian movies that you need to see at least once in your life. So color me surprised when I found out The Forbidden Kingdom is nothing like them. Instead, you are just one "Eye of the Tiger" short of a cheesy 80s movie.

The movie starts out ok by filling in your typical Asian backstory of an evil ruler coming to power. But soon after, things jump to present day and introduce us to our hero. I have no idea who the kid is, but he's obviously the guy you call when you can't get Shia LeBeauf. And no, that's not a compliment.

Anyway, by some "crazy random happenstance" our hero ends up with a magic staff just as Cobra Kai shows up to beat his whiney ass in slow motion. Shia Jr. is saved by magically teleporting to ancient China - a land where everyone speaks and understands English and who pay no attention to the white kid wandering around town.

You can probably tell where this is going. Those of you who grew up in the 80s definitely know where this is going, so I'll just leave it there. Instead, I should talk about Jackie Chan and Jet Li - the whole freaking reason this movie got made. At least I'm hoping that's the case and not some director's dream of making Karate Kid 7.

Right off the bat, Jackie Chan is awesome. He plays a Drunken Master and plays it well. It's one of those roles where he looked like he was having fun in every scene. That alone got me through this.

Jet Li is, well, Jet Li. Like the rest of his movies, he doesn't say much. He just jumps around and kicks some ass. And honestly, I'm ok with that.

If I were a kid today, I might look at this movie like I do The Neverending Story (you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head). But as an adult (sorta) expecting classy Asian cinema, oh man was this a disappointment.

Grade: C-

Casino Royale - Review

2008-10-13T00:12:00.004-06:00

In preparation for Quantum of Solace (the next Bond flick), I watched Casino Royale again. I hadn't seen it since the theaters and it was nice to remember what made this such a great movie.

Back in '06, I had a lot of doubts about Hollywood rebooting the Bond series. Casino Royale squashed just about every one of those. Daniel Craig made an excellent Bond and the rest of the characters were perfectly suitable. The villain even cried blood. Can't do much better than that.

I also enjoyed the fact that the character is now going through a contiguous story arc. In the previous movies, you could pretty much count on them having very little relation to the others. Quantum of Solace picks up right where Casino Royale left off, continuing not just the main plot, but also the emotional journey of Bond. He seems more like a real character now and I'm hoping for good things in the sequel.

Now two years old, it's interesting to see the Texas Hold 'Em scenes not holding up very well. It caused some minor ripples in the fan base when Bond ditched Baccarat for Poker, but the game was hot back then, so I didn't mind. Now that the fad is fading, I think the scene may have been better with Baccarat.

There also weren't any typical Bond gadgets in the film. Even watching a second time, it didn't bother me. But I am hoping for some sort of tech in Quantum. Maybe not as campy as in previous movies, but something that should be out in five years would be cool to see.

So if you're excited to see Quantum of Solace next month, definitely rent this to freshen up your memory. If you've never seen it, you need to. The intro chase scene is one of the best ever.

Grade: A-

The Love Guru - Review

2008-10-09T23:02:00.003-06:00

Oh man was I wrong about this one. This is one hilarious movie. Non-stop laughs for two hours. Mike Meyers is a genius that should be emblazened in the annals of history as a comic genius. And Verne Troyer. Oh man. There's no one better-

OK enough of this nonsense. This movie is pure garbage. Seriously. Mike Meyers ran out of jokes four movies ago. Yet for some reason he's still getting paid to tell them every year, just in a different costume.

The Love Guru has Mr. Meyers playing Austin Powers as an Indian Self-help Guru. Verne Troyer plays a hockey coach for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Why? Because Mike Meyers is a huge Leafs fan. Can't fault him for that, really. But I can fault him for having a scene with Rob Blake taking a faceoff at center ice with the game tied and six seconds left. So not only does Mike insult us with his comedy, he insults our hockey knowledge, too.

And about that comedy. Most of the jokes you've heard before. The new stuff centers around the "guru" making new phrases out of words. Like "Guru" becomes:

Gee
yoU
aRe
yoU

And "Bible" becomes:

Basic
Instructions
Before
Leaving
Earth

I think I learned that one when I was six. Well, Mike, I got a new one for you:

Comedy
Recycled from
Austin
Powers

Not even a cameo by Jim Gaffigan could save this.

Grade: F

Speed Racer - Review

2008-10-07T23:01:00.003-06:00

Anyone know why we had a Speed Racer movie this summer? I don't remember it ever being popular, even when I was a kid. I just watched it because it came on after Robotech. It did have a cool car, so I'll give it that.

There was only one reason I had any interest in seeing Speed Racer... the style. Yes, 100% green screen movies are pretty common now, but this is the Wachowski brothers. They did some pretty amazing things with The Matrix, so I had hopes they could do something unique with this, despite the subject matter.

Before HD, there was one movie that everyone bought to show off their new TV - The Fifth Element. Why? If you needed a reason other than "multi-pass," the movie had the most vibrant colors that even a crappy TV looked good. I'm guessing many LCDs and Plasmas will be showing Speed Racer at the next CES. The movie is gorgeous. If any of you just bought a new HDTV, throw this in to impress your guests. Just be sure to have the sound muted.

OK, the story ain't that bad. Every scene of dialog is just setup for the next race, so while it's not great, there isn't enough plot to make it horrible. Just the look of the tracks will keep most of you interested. It held my tiny brain captive, anyway.

Since I can only recommend this based on its style, there's probably not many of you interested. So when it runs on HBO next year and you're flipping channels. Stay for a bit and watch. Your eyes will thank you.

Grade: C+

Iron Man - Review

2008-10-05T22:03:00.003-06:00

As you know, Iron Man was one of the big summer movies this year. I happen to miss it which earned me much ridicule from my friends. For months I've had to endure "you still haven't seen Iron Man" in weekly intervals. So when it was finally released on DVD/Blu-Ray this past week, I was excited that my wait would soon be over. Then, when Netflix shipped me the Blu-Ray on Friday, the small chamber of my heart where Giddiness reigns created a squeal of delight that caused a small amount of discomfort for the neighbor's dogs.

I know as much about Iron Man as I do the Tin Man. Maybe a bit less. But that allows me to look at the movie with a fresh perspective. While I had some high expectations about the quality of the film, I had none regarding the actual story, canon, or universe of Iron Man.

What I noticed immediately is that Marvel is respecting their characters when they make the jump from comic to movie. I guess it started with X-Men or Spider-Man, but the movies today refreshingly lack the campiness of the comic book movies of the past. I'm hoping we never have to go back to the George Clooney Batman flicks ever again.

Jon "You're So Money" Favreau takes the helm of Iron Man and does a brilliant job. He's able to place a super hero in our world while still keeping things within the boundaries of what can be accepted as believable. The story is sort of typical super hero stuff, but it's a formula I still enjoy watching.

Definitely see this if you haven't. You might even become a fan of Robert Downey Jr.

Grade: B+

Sixth Sense Chihuahua

2008-10-03T16:20:00.001-06:00

Beverly Hills Chihuahua opens today. If you've seen the trailer, enjoy this:

Thanks Rifftrax. That made my day.

Music Within - Review

2008-10-03T12:38:00.004-06:00

How well do you like biopics? I tend to enjoy them, but only on the same level as a documentary. I get more out of the history than I do of the actual story. Usually that's because they tend to follow a formula. So much so that you can set your watch to the point where drugs enter the scene, or the character breaks up with the love interest. In any other movie that causes a two-hour bore-fest. But for me, the nuggets of history keep me engrossed.

Music Within tells the story of the guy that started the American with Disabilities Act. Maybe not the actual act, but he got the ball rolling so that it was an election issue in 1988. What I found so fascinating (and maybe a bit disturbing) is that I remember most of the late 80s, yet for some reason I thought the ADA was something that came out of the 60s. I must have been too busy jamming on my Casio keyboard to care.

The movie stars Ron Livingston. You know him as the guy from Office Space. That movie holds such a special place in my heart that any other movie starring someone from it automatically gets bonus points.

If you end up renting this (and you should at some point), be sure to watch the bonus features. There's a talk given by the guy the movie is based on where he describes his life. All the events are in the movie, but to hear him actually tell the story is fantastic. It adds a whole new element to his fascinating life.

This is also one of those movies designed with the soundtrack in mind. It's filled with classic tunes from the 60s and 70s. Had they released the soundtrack just as a classic rock compilation, it may have made more money than the movie.

I'd bet most of you have already made up your minds about renting this. It's an interesting story I knew nothing about, so I enjoyed it. If you need a good biopic to watch, this'll do nicely.

Grade: B

21 - Review

2008-09-28T21:56:00.003-06:00

A few years ago, a story came out about a group of MIT students who raked in millions by beating the odds at Blackjack. They didn't cheat at all. Instead, they used a fascinating system to maximize the odds in their favor. 21 is Hollywood's take on that story - an obvious cause for concern.

If you don't know how the system works, the movie does a pretty good job of explaining it. Since I did, some scenes got a little tedious, but if you know nothing about it, they shouldn't be a problem. If anything, you'll come away thinking you and your Texas Hold 'Em buddies can pull this off in Vegas. Hollywood has a habit of leaving out important realities. Please keep that in mind. Otherwise, tell Vito I tried to warn you.

Unfortunately, 21 doesn't fill the cast with actual MIT students, so you get sexy, waify twenty-somethings who hold graphing calculators upside down and wonder where the Bejeweled button is. The main guy is the same dude from Across the Universe and I apologize for yet another rant about that crapfest, but 21 ends with a complete bastardization of a Rolling Stones tune. It's like the guy hates love and only stars in movies that feast on the soul of classic rock. You wanna talk about typecasting. Doogie Howser is in paradise compared with this guy.

Enough about that. Even though the movie drips all things bad about Hollywood, the film's worth seeing. Yes, the ending blows. Yes, things are too predictable. So put on your mental filters beforehand and pull out the true story. You'll enjoy it.

Grade: B-

Cloverfield - Review

2008-09-28T21:08:00.003-06:00

Cloverfield has been sitting in my Netflix queue for an eternity and it finally showed up in 1080p goodness this weekend. Was it worth the wait? Not exactly.

As we all know by now, Hollywood has this love affair with reinventing old stories. JJ Abrams (who you know from LOST and Alias, also did Cloverfield) is reinventing Star Trek later this year (yes, with the Kirk and Spock crew). Cloverfield is just a reinvention of Godzilla. Some may disagree with that since it's set in New York and the monster is different, but it's basically the same story...just without the charm.

When the Blair Witch Project came out, people loved its style. Then, when they actually saw it, those same people threw up in the theaters from all the Shaky-Cam nonsense. I'm not sure why JJ Abrams decided to do a Godzilla movie with the Blair Witch Shaky-Cam. At home, it wasn't too bad to watch, but I can think of a few scenes that would have been painful in the theater. Note to Hollywood: I really wish that fad would fade.

So you can go two directions with a disaster movie. You can focus all the attention on the destruction and let some special effects artists earn a raise. Or, you can try to create a story in and around the distaster and hope it's good. Usually, we don't see that route taken by directors because the stories are crap. Always.

Cloverfield stumbles on both paths. A monster attacking New York is great for special effects. In fact, I've seen that city destroyed so many times in movies, I'd bet every inch of it has been digitized. Unfortunately, the monster doesn't get much screen time. This means the action has to center around the poorly crafted love story. The motivations behind dragging these idiots around Midtown are flimsy, at best.

The biggest problem is that nothing is explained and nothing is resolved. It's like you took a book and ripped out the first and last five chapters. You get the gist of the story, but with no supports on the ends, it collapses on itself.

Most of you have probably seen this by now. What did you think?

Grade: C+

The Number 23 - Review

2008-09-26T00:01:00.000-06:00

Back when The Number 23 was released, the Internet Prophets of Doom began shouting, "This movie sucks!" - "Jim Carrey's career is OVER!!!" - "First!" - "I like Angelina Jolie!!!!11"

Checking out RottenTomatoes.com, the movie is sitting at 8%. And yes, it's that bad.

Let's start with flaw #1. As you can see from the poster, Jim Carrey goes crazy in this. Having a character go from normal to crazy in 90 minutes is a tough challenge. I'm assuming it's tough, because so few movies do it right. Remember that scene from Episode III?

Anakin: I just killed Jedi Master Samuel L Jackson. I'm ready to serve you.
Emperor: Excellent. Go kill some kids.
Anakin: Yes, of course.

The Number 23 has the same problem. Jim Carrey goes crazy because he reads an odd coincidence in a book, then decides he needs to kill someone. Those types scenes are unbelievable because no one acts like that. Which brings me to flaw #2, which is sort of related to Flaw #1.

Characters should not realize they are in a piece of fiction and do things no one would ever do in reality. You notice this when the writer lets his characters get away from the plot, so they must do something completely illogical, unnatural, or just plain stupid to advance the story. You could make a drinking game for the amount of times this happens here.

And lastly, the grandaddy of all flaws. Want to know what's so special about the number 23? Well too bad Mr. Needy. You don't need to know that kind of detail. But you say the movie is named after it and therefore must be important? No stupid, that's just a trigger to get Jim Carrey to kill someone. It could have been 42 or blue or even Pooh Bear. It's not important, so just deal, ok?

Yeah, this is as bad as everyone says it is.

Grade: F

Charlie Wilson's War - Review

2008-09-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

What an odd history Afghanistan has had these past twenty years. In a very short amount of time, you've got the Soviets, the Taliban, and Bin Laden. No wonder everyone is telling stories about the place.

Charlie Wilson's War takes a look at the Afghanistan of the 1980s. Billy Joel tells us that's when we got "Russians in Afghanistan." While you were more concerned with Wheel of Fortune and Sally Ride, the highlight reel of the Cold War was being filmed in Kabul.

The movie takes a very light tone with the subject. This is great as a little sarcasm helps cover the fact that we had basically three guys fund a war against the Soviets. Let that sink in a bit before your thoughts wander back to Vanna White.

Looking at the poster, you know right away that the cast is superb. But still, Tom Hanks and Phillip Seymore Hoffman play their best characters ever. They have a chemistry that even rivals the Scrubs musical episode. Seriously, if you've never heard "Guy Love," make it a priority to do so. Stat.

If you missed this one in the theaters (like I think a lot of people did), it's definitely worth checking out.

Oh, and this is my 100th post. Sweet.

Grade: A

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog - Review

2008-09-22T00:01:00.002-06:00

All this time and I have yet to talk about Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Just how awful is my oversight? Dr. Horrible is the greatest thing to you and the internet since Google.

The movie runs 45 mins (in three acts) and stars Neil Patrick Harris as a mad scientist, with a video blog, and his attempts to join the Evil League of Evil. Oh, and it's a musical.

"But John," you say. "Across the Universe made me hate all musicals - past, present, and future." I understand. Believe me, I do. But this is a "Sing-Along" musical which means these songs will bring joy and wonderment - not bile and vomit.

Despite its awesomeness, Dr. Horrible is an important step in entertainment. You see, back during the Writer's Strike, Joss Whedon got some friends together and made this piece of genius on the cheap. But instead of releasing it via normal channels (TV, Theater, DVD, etc), he released it on the internet, for free.

Right now, I watch about 90% of my TV online. I'm *this* close to canceling cable and probably will by year-end. Granted, I'm not normal...but I like to think I'm living in the future of entertainment medium. Dr. Horrible is, hopefully, the first step of many.

You need to watch this. Multiple times. Go now to Hulu.com.

Grade: A+

In the Name of the King - Review

2008-09-17T23:49:00.003-06:00

How does Uwe Boll do it? He's easily the worst director of our time (though Michael Bay comes close), yet he gets an incredible list of actors to star in his "movies." I mean look at that poster. You recognize everyone on it. And right now you're asking yourself why Jason Statham is starring in a crappy fantasy movie. I asked the same thing.

And it's just not those four. You will recognize nearly every actor in this. It's like there was a bet around Hollywood on whether or not Lord of the Rings would be a success. Everyone that lost had to star in a crappy fantasy flick from Uwe Boll. It's the only possibility I can think of.

So what exactly is this star-studded yarn? It's a crappy fantasy movie. Actually, it's not that bad. In fact, it's Uwe Boll's best movie to date (the fact that I've seen more than one should be an indication that I'm behind on my medication). Seriously. None of the major characters disappear in the middle of the story, and most of the plotlines have a resolution. It's almost like a real movie.

Of course, the camera edits are bad. The dialog is laughably stupid. And the acting is horrid - especially Ray Liotta. Someone needs to make a drinking game for every time Ray makes a "What the hell am I doing here" expression. Jason Statham does a decent job for what it is. But my favorite was Ron Pearlman who should have starred as Hellboy. Would have made for a better movie, methinks.

So next time you gather a bunch of friends around for a Friday Night Crapfest, watch this. Make sure the beer is flowing, though. It'll help. A lot.

Grade: C (Yeah, it really wasn't that bad)

Fast & Furious Trifecta - Review(s)

2008-09-10T23:00:00.000-06:00

My Babylon A.D. rant spurred my friend to invite me over for a Fast & Furious Trilogy night. Three films about cars that may have been better if they'd been done like Pixar's Cars.

Let's bust these out in order:

The Fast and the Furious - First off, if you go into this expecting high drama, you're an idiot. In Vin Diesel's "Book of Badassery," it says that Vin Diesel don't do drama. Vin Diesel may steal the plot to Point Break, but Vin Diesel don't do drama. Got it?

Second, this movie is about cars. Real cars. After watching, you may find Greenpeace members spontaneously twitching in the street.

2 Fast 2 Furious - Holy crap this is awful. You know how you can put sugar in a gas tank to make a car sputter and die? With this, they added additives of Lame.

Paul Walker, or God's gift to hair product, is back. But Vin Diesel got replaced by Tyrese Gibson, proving that Vin was the smarter of the two. Oh and the series moved to Miami for absolutely no good reason.

So if you look over the checklist, that's crappy acting, crappy plotline, crappy driving, and crappy location.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - For the third movie, the director ditched every concept from the first two movies. All new actors, all new location (guess where), all new cars, and all new driving (drifting). And you know what? It's the best of the three.

OK, yeah, calling it the best is like saying Unagi is better than Uni to someone who hates sushi, but for sushi lovers (and lovers of candy-coated cinema), this flick's not bad. Of course, it could be that my subconscience was telling me that the torture was nearing its end, but I like to think that I got a little enjoyment of watching cars skid around corners.

So the final Grades:

The Fast and the Furious: C
2 Fast 2 Furious: D-
Tokyo Drift: B-

Lars and the Real Girl - Review

2008-09-08T00:01:00.000-06:00

Those of you who have been reading these reviews know that I enjoy character studies. I like looking into the wounds of the past and seeing how they affect the actions of the present. It allows opportunities to explore subjects that might be too difficult through any other medium.

Lars and the Real Girl is such a movie. It tries to tackle extreme loneliness and isolation resulting from past childhood wounds. By necessity, the movie takes a fairly light tone and usually pokes fun of itself. It's quirky but not in the "Hey I'm an Indie movie" kind of quirky. For the most part, it gets things right.

The basic plot is that Lars buys a lifesize doll and pretends she's his real girlfriend. Remember that movie from the 80s where the store mannequins come to life and some guy falls in love with one? It's like that, except the mannequin stays plastic. And Roxette didn't do the soundtrack.

Lars is played by Ryan Gosling. The range he shows in Lars proves how great of an actor he is. I've liked him in other stuff I've seen, but not once did I think I was watching "that guy from The Notebook." I'm looking forward to more stuff from him.

Overall, the movie does a pretty good job and making you feel for Lars and his fake girlfriend. I was fine with things up until the end when the movie decided to take itself way too seriously. Those of you who have seen this probably know what I'm talking about. While Lars may have had a problem distinguishing real from fake, I had no problem at all remembering that his girlfriend was a doll. When the director starts thinking that I've forgotten that fact, problems ensue. I won't spoil it for ya, but you might be tempted to scream, "Come on!! She's a doll!!" at your TV.

Just on the subject matter alone, this might be worth a rental. It's not perfect, but at least they don't completely screw it up.

Grade: B-

Babylon A.D. - Review

2008-09-05T00:01:00.000-06:00

On the whole, I like Vin Diesel movies. Sure, they're not great, but he portrays this sort of masculinity that's not been seen since Chuck Norris. The kind that makes you stand in the theater and yell, "That's testosterone, bitches!!!" Try it when you go see his next one. Don't worry about feeling embarrassed. It's a Vin Diesel movie, the place will be empty.

And that highlights Vin's problem. He's great at picking movies with interesting worlds and backdrops, but the plotlines lack focus. Just take a look at the Riddick movies for an example.

So does Babylon A.D. break the trend? Sadly, no. In many ways, it's worse.

For the first two-thirds, the movie's not bad. It's a simple story of "get the girl to New York" but it's got a Cyberpunk feel to keep things interesting. Sure, it's ripped off of Blade Runner, but if you're gonna rip something off, might as well be the best, right?

But here's where the (plagairized) world building falls apart. Vin meets several characters along the journey that he seems to have a connection with. I expected all that to be revealed over the course of the movie, culminating to a satisfactory ending. Afterall, that's how stories work. Instead, we get a completely new plot in the last act. Seriously, there comes a point towards the last half hour where everything after it has no connection to what came before. It's bad. I'm talking Hancock bad. My friend and I sat through the credits trying to figure out what the writer/director were going for. I think we got it figured out, but man did they screw it up.

So yeah, skip this.

Grade: D

Summer's Over - Let's Review

2008-09-04T21:22:00.002-06:00

Labor Day has passed so it's time to see how well the Summer movies turned out.

The big winner, of course, was The Dark Knight. Over the weekend, it passed the $500M mark, making it the #2 movie of all time. Titanic is over $600M and there's not many big movies in the fall to slow Batman down. It might take it.

Two other movies crossed the $300M mark: Iron Man and Indiana Jones. Iron Man comes out on DVD in two weeks, so I can finally watch it. I hear it's awesome.

Here's the Top 10 Breakdown:

1. The Dark Knight --- $506M (and counting)
2. Iron Man --- $318M
3. Indiana Jones --- $316M
4. Hancock --- $227M
5. Wall-E --- $218M
6. Kung Fu Panda --- $214M
7. Horton Hears a Who (really?!) --- $155M
8. Sex and the City --- $153M
9. Prince Caspian --- $142M
10. The Incredible Hulk --- $135M

The Dark Knight and Wall-E were my favs of the summer. How 'bout you?

(thanks to BoxOfficeMojo for the data)

Travels

2008-08-20T11:19:00.002-06:00

Hey all,

Sorry for the lack of reviews. I've been out traveling this week. I'll be out next week as well, so there won't be many updates. Unless, of course, there's something interesting on the flight.

I may have something this weekend. Otherwise, I'll catch you in September.

The Counterfeiters - Review

2008-08-13T00:04:00.003-06:00

Die Fälscher won the Oscar this year for best foreign language film. In English, the title is The Counterfeiters. I don't know why they changed it because Die Fälscher is much cooler to say, especially if you do your best Schwarzenegger impression. Try it. You agree with me now, don't ya?

As you may have guessed, the movie comes out of Austria and is about a Jewish counterfeiter in Nazi Germany. As far as Holocaust movies go, it's nice to have a story that's unique. I haven't checked, but it seemed like a true story, so that makes it all the more interesting.

Another fascinating aspect is that the main character, the Jewish counterfeiter, is a jerk. In most other WW2 movies, the Jews are portrayed as gentle victims. The guy is a victim here as well, but when the Nazis comes busting down his door, we're not exactly talking about Anne Frank, if you know what I mean.

But, of course, this sets you up for a great character journey. Since this isn't a Hollywood movie, you don't get a Hollywood ending. Instead, you get a real, natural, human ending. By the credits, I had an emotional connection with the guy and I got to wondering what I would do if I were put in his shoes. Few movies do that and it's nice to come across those that do.

This is obviously a serious drama, so make sure you're in the mood for it. And for a bit of reading, unless you speak German. But definitely catch this one in the near future.

Grade: A

In Bruges - Review

2008-08-10T23:25:00.003-06:00

Guy Ritchie has become famous for two movies: Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Both bring dry British humor to your basic mob movie. So what happens when you make a Guy Ritchie movie without Guy Ritchie? You get In Bruges.

The story is somewhat original. At least to me, anyway. You've got two hitmen laying low in Bruges after a botched job. Where's Bruges? It's not really a spoiler since any of you can Google the place, but if you don't know, it's a funny point in the movie so keep your Googlin' to a minimum.

The movie stars Colin Farrell and another guy you probably recognize from a bunch of other movies, but don't know his name. I guarantee you'll say, "Hey, that's that guy from Harry Potter, Braveheart, Beowulf, and a bunch of other stuff. But I can't remember his name." They're both great and have a surprising gift of comedic timing. Who knew Colin Farrell could be funny?

I enjoyed the characters so much that I'm really hoping another movie comes out. Maybe one showing them on a job rather than laying low. Their personalities conflict in ways that only work in British comedies, but watching these two on a hit would be a riot.

By the end, the director tries to piece things together to make a point, but mostly it comes off as a "I see what you did there" moment. It's not bad, but it's not as earth-shattering as the director maybe thought it was gonna be. Perhaps Guy Ritchie would have had better luck.

This movie isn't the best British movie you've seen, but it's worth a rental if you're in the mood.

Grade: B

Strange Wilderness - Review

2008-08-06T00:01:00.004-06:00

Remember that scene in Return of the Jedi where Admiral Akbar turns to the camera and says, "It's a trap!" That scene has turned into an internet meme and is very applicable to Strange Wilderness.

What should have been a very entertaining movie about nature flicks (mocking Steve Irwin, Blue Planet, March of the Penguins, and others) is actually ninety minutes of dick and fart jokes. In other words, "It's a trap!"

Here is a selection of "jokes" in this crapfest:

A man gets his junk eaten by a wild turkey
Another man sews his package back together with yarn
A wilderness guide is named "Dick"

You got an idea of what this movie is about? So why have today's "comedies" turned to full frontal male nudity for laughs? Between this, Superbad, and Walk Hard, I've seen enough sausage on screen to make Oscar Meyer jealous.

The biggest thing these movies have in common is that all the lead characters are losers - high throughout the movie with no dreams, goals, or motivations past the next hit. Are these movies an attack on masculinity, or just a reflection its impotence in today's America?

Whatever the case, I still long for an intelligent, witty comedy. And one day, I hope John Wayne comes back.

Grade: F

Batman: Gotham Knight - Review

2008-08-04T00:01:00.002-06:00

Remember The Animatrix from a few years ago? The Matrix producers got some artists together to make a collection of short stories around that universe. If you've never seen it, go check it out. Especially since most of the stories are better than the sequels.

Since that project turned out to be so popular, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight get the same treatment in Batman: Gotham Knight. I'm not certain, but it looked like many of the same animators returned for this disc. That's a good thing, since these guys all have a unique style to their art and are famous for a reason.

So does it all work for Batman like it did for The Matrix? Well, sorta. There are six stories (as opposed to nine in The Animatrix), and I felt like I wanted more. While still very good, the styles of the artists are too similar. In The Animatrix, variety in the art gave each story a new sense of freshness that didn't solely rely on the writing.

Unfortunately, the stories here miss more than they hit. The first one is great and there's a story centered around the cops from The Dark Knight that's interesting, but the rest are kind of bland. One is especially boring and makes very little sense in the Batman lore. Batman: Chakra Knight (or whatever it's called) shows up in the middle and really killed my interest in the rest of the disc.

I'd recommend this only for the diehard Batman fans.

Grade: C+

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show - Review

2008-07-30T20:00:00.001-06:00

How can you make stand-up comedy boring? Ask Vince Vaughn. He's proven to be an expert in Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show.

Here's the premise of this snoozefest. Vince Vaughn takes four "comedians" on a bus tour of America. They cover 30 cities in 30 days (or something like that) all across the South. In addition to the four main comics, a few others drop by on occasion and add a total of 0 cups of Not Funny to the recipe. Look at that poster. See all those faces? None of them bring the funny.

Actually, there was one part where the Mac Guy mocks Vince Vaughn in Swingers. That was the first scene of the movie and it's the best.

Now I realize that stand-up comedy is all relative. There might be some of you who might like these guys. I've seen better talent on Last Comic Standing. The first ones cut. Then again, there are people who liked Superbad. Who am I to judge?...since that's basically all this site is.

Another problem is that locking a bunch of comedians in a bus should result in hilarious situations. Unfortunately, these guys are all jerks. I wouldn't even want to shake their hand after a show. That's assuming I was forced to attend one of their shows at gunpoint.

Grade: D- (Not an F 'cause of Mac Guy)

Rambo - Review

2008-07-28T00:18:00.004-06:00

This is the last Rambo, not the first Rambo. At least I hope this is the last Rambo. Let me explain the plot with a nursery rhyme...

Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily
BLOW THE FARKER UP!!

What starts out as an interesting look into the Burma crisis turns into 90 minutes of dismemberment. Seriously. This is the most violent movie I've ever seen. You can see daylight through every bullet wound. And more limps are severed than words spoken by Rambo.

The movie sucks, but what I really want to talk about is Molog. Here's how Wikipedia describes it:

MoLog, or Movie Log is a BD-Live feature. This interactive feature allows the viewer to participate in online discussions regarding Blu-ray titles. This online discussion community will be accessible from a BD-Live player and blogging can be done while the film is being viewed or as a standalone feature. Viewers can also access MoLog from any home computer with an internet connection.

Now in the demo of how to use Molog in Rambo, I saw none of that. Instead, what I saw was probably the worst tech demo ever. For over twenty minutes (maybe longer), I saw a walkthrough of some guy pasting clip art on the screen while the movie is playing in the background. Who wants this? I know of no one who thinks, "This movie needs a giant boat in the middle of the screen."

But the best part (and by "best", I mean "horribly offensive") came when we got to the animated clip art. The demo selects a clip called "Hanging" and places it in the top left corner. It's a man swinging in a noose with about 3 frames of animation. So as the rest of the demo goes on, there's a Burmese villager swinging from a noose in the top third of the screen. You can't help but laugh and be mortified at the same time. Seriously, if you get a chance to watch this in Blu-Ray (don't. ever.). Watch the Molog demo. You'll never forget it.

Grade: D

Be Kind, Rewind - Review

2008-07-27T23:46:00.002-06:00

Like all of Jack Black's other movies, I thought, "instant rental" when I saw the trailers for Be Kind, Rewind. Nacho Libre had me laughing for hours and School of Rock was ok, but neither of them were worth wasting $10 on. Same with Be Kind, Rewind.

But here's the thing with this movie. It's like a spoof movie in that there are a list of prerequisite films to get the humor. Fortunately, that shouldn't be a problem because who hasn't seen Ghostbusters or Driving Miss Daisy? ...Says the man who just saw Predator and the Rambo movies.

The humor is all fine and dandy, but I found the "magic" of some movie tricks to be the most interesting. As these guys are remaking these movies on the cheap, it's amazing at how great some of the shots look. Sure, it's cheesy and cheap, but that's kind of the point. My favorite was the "night mode" while wearing Xeroxed copies of their face. Trust me, it's hilarious.

Anyway, if you like Jack Black go rent this. If not, well, Mos Def is funny.

Grade: B-

Untraceable - Review

2008-07-27T23:25:00.003-06:00

I remember reading an interview with one of the Star Trek cast members who said that the script only had "Technobabble" written in places where the actor had to explain a scientific problem. On the day of shooting, they would just make something up and go with whatever sounded good.

While watching Untraceable, I got the feeling they did the same thing. Only this time, they weren't talking about electro-phase relays and their fluctuating impedance (not bad, eh?). They were talking about websites and the internet. All things that many people have intimate knowledge about. So when Diane Lane starts making crap up about how a website is untraceable because its IP changes every 5 seconds, my hand instinctively smacks my forehead. If you're like me, this movie will give you a headache.

One more thing. Check out that poster. How many of you are having an OCD fit over that hand icon mot moving? Just me? OK, moving on.

As annoying as the technobabble is, this isn't a bad movie. If you are completely clueless about how websites work, you might really enjoy this. It's like those thrillers Ashley Judd does every now and then. Not great, but worth a rental. If you're at all technical, you might want to avoid Untraceable. Or rent it if you're in need of a laugh.

Grade: C

The Dark Knight - Review

2008-07-20T23:16:00.003-06:00

I'm actually worried about reviewing The Dark Knight so early in its release. So do me a favor. If you haven't seen it and are certain that you are going to, then read this after you watch it. Also, don't read anything else about the movie until you go see it. Deal?

Still reading? Stop it.

Last chance.

OK, so let me throw some numbers at you. The Dark Knight broke the record for the opening day release, the opening IMAX release, and the opening weekend. It's projected to take in over $155M in three days. I went to a Sunday night showing and it was full, so that number might actually be higher.

The numbers are big, the reviews are glowing, and there's even Oscar talk surrounding it. But The Dark Knight suffers from all the hype. And I think I know why.

The types of people who read comic books are used to deep storylines with complex characters. Hollywood doesn't realize this and spits out movies with lots of action and shallow plotlines. Sometimes they turn out ok, but most of the time Hollywood thinks it can put a man in a cape and make bank. The last Spider-Man, Superman Returns, and all the Fantastic Four movies are perfect examples.

Now, we have a comic book movie with a deep plot and complex characters and the people who vote for the Oscars are crapping their pants. Smoke is rising from their ears as they shout "OMG!!! Give them the Little Golden Man!!!!" into their cell phones.

Hopefully, this is a sign of change from Hollywood and we will be spared from crappy superhero movies. Probably not, but I wanted a "cup half full" moment. Let me keep it, you cynical jerk.

Now don't get me wrong. The Dark Knight is the best Batman movie yet. But you've seen better stories. If you rattle off your top five movies, I doubt this one tops them. It might top #6, though.

I love how Nolan and his gang have re-envisioned Batman. This movie fits perfectly with Batman Begins and I can't wait for the third. If- No, when you see this, know that it's awesome, but don't expect perfection.

Grade: A

The Kite Runner - Review

2008-07-20T23:05:00.003-06:00

If you've never read The Kite Runner, now you don't have to. They made it into a movie. I read the book last year and it is an incredible story. One you must watch or read at some point in the near future.

Whoever did the movie did a great job translating the book. I could tell a few things they changed, but they were changes that made sense. Some things may work fine in a book, but fall apart when filmed. The director fixed all those very well.

One cool thing is that I finally understood the kite battles. Watching them unfold (as opposed to reading them) added some tension that the book lacked because I couldn't get my imagination to understand what the heck was going on. Watching them take place makes me want to go get a kite and try it out.

I'm not really going to say a whole lot about this because it's one of those movies that's best to go into knowing nothing. Just take my word and rent it. Or, if you're a reader, pick it up next time you're out shopping. It's an incredible story and you need to experience it.

Grade: A

Meet the Spartans - Review

2008-07-20T22:45:00.006-06:00

300 is one of my all-time favorite movies. Sure, the plot is simple - maybe a too simple. And there's no character development to speak of. But when you take that kind of style, wrap it in bloody combat, then deep-fry it in testosterone - you better serve me up seconds.

Another aspect of 300 I like is all the jokes that have saturated the internet. Jokes like this:

Seriously. I've laughed at that for days. What I didn't laugh at was Meet the Spartans.

OK, I get that it's a spoof of 300. But what is it with spoof movies these days? Years ago, they would take a bunch of different plots and mash them into a single story, hopefully with plenty of jokes to go around. But like Walk Hard, Meet the Spartans only spoofs one movie, and follows it scene for scene. Where's the originality in that?

Oh and where are the jokes? Instead of taking the opportunity to make some clever 300 jokes (like the one above), this crapfest just thows in pop culture references. Two hours of them. For instance, I bet you can think of who gets kicked into the bottomless pit.

I will admit that some were funny ("Tonight, we dine at Hooters!!"), but most were awful. I also have to give props to the main actor. His impression of Gerard Butler is classic. But everything else sucks. Skip this one.

Grade: D

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - Review

2008-07-13T23:35:00.003-06:00

Going in to Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, I had no idea what to expect. It's the first live-action 3D movie, so it could be very important to movie history. Sure, there was Hannah Montana and U2 3D, but those were concerts. There wasn't much of a need for quick cuts and scene changes. In 3D, a bad scene change with a different focus will melt your eyes. True story.

Since it's the first, that means it set the bar for 3D. It also meant that there was a lot of experimenting going on. Expect to see the 3D used in every way possible, from things jumping in your face, to far scenic vistas. Some work better than others, but mostly, they do a good job.

Fortunately, Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D isn't just a tech demo. There's actually a plot. You still want to ignore the 2D version, but for those without a choice, there are certainly worse options at the theater.

Instead of retelling Jules Verne's famous story, the plot centers around the idea that Verne journaled true events, rather than science fiction. It's an interesting take on it and I think it's a better movie for it. It made me accept the ridiculous idea of another world within our own a little easier. Much easier, in fact.

Obviously, the 3D plays an important role in the movie. I'm not sure how well it would have worked in 2D, but the story is good enough, I think. The action never stops, so really there's not much they could have screwed up. If you've never seen a 3D movie before, then this is a must see.

Grade: B

Hellboy II - Review

2008-07-13T23:19:00.003-06:00

Quick, name a sequel that was better than the first? Empire Strikes Back comes to mind. Perhaps the Godfather, Part II? Aliens?

There have been a few, but it's usually not the norm. When I reviewed the first Hellboy a few weeks ago, I wasn't expecting to add Hellboy II to that list. Thankfully, I can.

Now granted, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good movie, right? Attack of the Clones was better than The Phantom Menace, but it's still a bad movie. It turns out, Hellboy II is pretty good.

Let's start with the best part - the plot. Since it's not an origin story, you get two hours of plot. That's perfect since none of that has to be wasted on introductions. Unfortunately, I'd recommend watch- er, suffering through the first one, just to fill in the gaps.

Like the first one, Hellboy II starts to slow down in the middle with a love story. I was so ready to rip into it, but the movie saves itself with one of the funniest scenes of the year. Just thinking of it now makes me laugh again. It's brilliant.

Another great thing is the variety of creatures Del Toro puts in front of the camera. It's like the Star Wars Cantina stretched out over two hours. And every one is different than anything else I've seen before. That's saying something since I've seen more than my fair share of Sci-Fi movies. The creatures all have a distinct Del Toro look to them, but that just makes me excited for The Hobbit.

Anyway, I'm not a true Hellboy Fanboy yet, but I'll definitely be seeing the third one.

Grade: B+

AVP:Requiem - Review

2008-07-13T22:59:00.003-06:00

Why do I like this crap? I'm watching AVP:Requiem and laughing at the acting, the plot, and the stupidity of it all. Yet I keep coming back for more.

Let me explain what I'm talking about...

The movie is set in Gunnison, Colorado and I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, that doesn't look like Gunnison....at all." Of course, there probably aren't too many people who have even heard of Gunnison, so I guess they get a pass.

At the halfway point, I'm rolling my eyes at yet another forced romance that doesn't belong. Why does Hollywood continue to do this? Who looks at this poster and thinks, "This had better have a good love story or I am SO getting my money back!" No. This is a movie about two CG creatures killing each other and any human that's stupid enough to get in their way. Or at least it should be.

And speaking of stupid humans, you know how in cheesy horror stories the victims always run upstairs when they should just run out the front door? Yeah, the humans in AVP:R are bred from the same idiot gene pool. I wonder if anyone has made a list of Movie Darwin Awards? Hmmm, I wonder if there's money in that idea?

So I sit through 90 minutes of this crap and get to the final scenes and think, "Oooh! I wonder where they are gonna go with this. I need to watch the next one!" Seriously. Someone put me out of my misery. That, or tell Hollywood that interesting, over-arching storylines cannot span multiple crappy movies. It makes idiots like me give them more money.

Grade: C+ (only because I can't bring myself to give it a B-)

Hancock - Review

2008-07-06T21:36:00.003-06:00

Time for the annual "July 4th Will Smith Movie Event of a Lifetime." You can tell Superhero movies are hot in Hollywood now since there seems to be a new release every week. Will Smith's take is a little...odd. Imagine Superman combined with the lovechild of Jack Black and Kevin Smith. Only not as funny.

Think back. When was the last time you heard Will Smith drop an F-bomb? I can't think of anything since he usually plays the hip, fun guy in a PG Action Adventure. In Hancock, he plays a jerk. And the amount of swearing he does (allowable in a PG-13 movie) actually caught me off guard. It wasn't believable. But as I settled into the movie, I guess I got used to it 'cause it didn't bother me later on. But perhaps that's due to all the other problems this movie had.

So everybody knows that every superhero has a weakness. Cool, no problem. However, being rational, simple people, we expect that weakness to be consistent. If the conditions exist to where the superhero is weak, he should not be writhing in pain in one scene and throwing another man out of a building in the next. When this movie comes out on DVD, I promise drinking games will be invented on the inconsistencies.

One other rule of superheroes. Every one needs a villain. Many times, the villains are better than the hero. Hancock's villain is an extra that showed up off the street for the day's shooting. I wish I was joking. It's like the writer got to page 80 of the script and thought, "Oh crap! I forgot a villain! *scribble *scribble *scribble." Ricky Gervais makes a TV show called Extras. I'm really hoping he spoofs this. It would be comedy gold.

So yeah, this movie is awful. Better luck next July 4, Will Smith.

Grade: D

Persepolis - Review

2008-07-06T21:16:00.003-06:00

I can't remember where I heard about Persepolis. It might have been in Harry's weekly DVD column on Ain't It Cool. It looked like an interesting premise, so I thought I'd check it out.

The movie reminded me of the Kite Runner (the book, I haven't seen the movie, yet). Here, a woman tells her story of growing up in Iran. The movie covers several decades and power shifts, so a woman's perspective makes for an interesting story.

The movie is animated in this bizarre style that's more at home in a web comic. You can see it on the poster. I'm not sure if that helped things or not. Had it been live-action, it would have carried a heavier tone, so maybe it's best told this way. Someone remake this into a live action movie and send me a copy so I can find out.

But here's the problem with everything. It wasn't made for me. In fact, it wasn't made for men at all. This is a "woman power" flick. This is Sex in the City set in Tehran...with burqas instead of purses.

Now that doesn't mean it's a bad movie. In fact, it's very well done. Even my cold, dead heart can recognize a good chick flick. It's just that I would have preferred a documentary. Some of you might relate to how Mr. McIshmael can break a woman's heart. Me? Not so much.

Grade: C+ (Add a letter if you don't have a Y Chromosome)

Hellboy - Review

2008-07-06T20:54:00.003-06:00

When I saw Hellboy in the theaters a few years ago, I didn't like it. I couldn't remember why, just that I walked out thinking it wasn't very good. Now with the sequel coming out in a few weeks, I figured I'd give it another shot. Yes, I'll probably watch the sequel since I'm somehow drawn to crappy movies.

Guillermo del Toro is bookending Pan's Labyrinth with the Hellboy's. I'm starting to get a feel for his directing style and enjoying it very much. Since the man is doing the Hobbit movies (yes, it's being split into two), this is a good thing.

Since I have a greater appreciation for del Toro's style now, I liked the look of the original Hellboy. At least, that's what I'm assuming. I remember very few good things about it, so liking the look has to be new. Right?

I still have problems with the plot, however. First, it's an Origin story which automatically knocks a few points off. I know that's not fair since every story has to have a beginning. But when you've only got two hours to tell a complete story arc, way too much time gets wasted on introducing the characters. The leaves a pretty thin plot.

Hellboy makes matters worse by throwing a completely useless love triangle into the mix. The fact that it's combined with a character introduction only makes it worse. Halfway through I completely lost all interest. Maybe it worked in the comics, but that would make sense since you have time to develop everything in that media.

I will say the ending was much better than I remembered. Not enough to save the rest, but good.

Grade: C-

Wall-E - Review

2008-06-30T21:13:00.003-06:00

When the trailers for Wall-E came out, Disney did a great job of not telling you anything about the story. You knew it was a about a robot on a planet that gets visited by a spaceship. And that's it. Well, you knew one other thing: this was a Pixar movie. And for everyone on the planet, that was enough.

I've been a little down on Pixar, however. Cars was a low point for me and Ratatouille didn't wow me as much as everyone hyped it up. But, Pixar has a solid track record, so I figured it was a safe bet to check this one out.

Wall-E is not only the best Pixar movie ever, it's one of the best Sci-Fi movies and one of the best love stories. Period. I worry about hyping it up too much, but it's about as perfect as you can hope for. This one's taking home an Oscar for sure.

But here's the thing. The movie starts out with two large heapings of guilt. I picture Wall-E pointing and laughing at Al Gore while calling him an amateur. Humans haven't been portrayed this badly since Bambi's mother got shot.

But it all works. Somehow, out of the little genius factory that is Pixar, that guilt gets turned into hope and love. There were women next to me wiping away tears at the end. As luck would have it, I got something stuck in my eye.

There are still a lot of big summer movies left, but I'd bet this one stands out as the best.

Grade: A+

Get Smart - Review

2008-06-30T20:55:00.003-06:00

I have a man-crush on Steve Carell. The dude cracks me up. My Thursday nights are reserved for The Office and he's mostly the reason why. Well, that and taking bets on when Jim and Pam are breaking up.

So when I heard that he was taking over for Don Adams in Get Smart, I thought, "Brilliant!" just like those Guinness guys. Who else could play the "funny man who's in a comedy but doesn't realize it" part?

I was also a bit nervous. Did you see the Pink Panther? Steve Martin is funny, and him speaking in a French accent is enough for me, but the movie wasn't all that great. It was ok, but certainly not worth $10 -- the exact amount I had riding on Get Smart. See where I'm going?

Fortunately, the movie is hilarious. I love going to comedies where the whole audience laughs with you. It's contagious. My viewing of Get Smart was like that. There wasn't a large crowd, but the people there all laughed for two hours. You can't help but enjoy that.

Anne Hathaway was also a big question mark for me going in. I'd never seen any of her movies, well, because she's only done like twenty princess flicks. Fortunately, my manhood is intact and I've never had to see one. But she's great and plays a great counter-balance to Carell.

The plot is kind of obvious, so don't go in expecting great drama. But the jokes are great and this one's worth checking out if you're in need of a laugh.

Grade: B+

The Happening - Review

2008-06-29T23:58:00.003-06:00

M. Night Shyamalalala gets a lot of flack these days. Granted, most of it is well deserved, but I think a lot of people are just mad the guy can't make another Sixth Sense. I tend to like his movies because I like watching how he explores themes (no matter how badly he does it). Unbreakable might be my favorite of his but lots of folks hated it. The same with Signs (though I think more people liked that one).

By the time The Village and Lady in the Water came out, I think all the negative press started to get to him. The critic character in Lady in the Water is "Exhibit A." Also, Shyamalan's ego got worse with every movie. The time he spent on screen in his movies directly correlated to how badly they sucked.

With The Happening, the credits inform us that he wrote, directed, and produced it. I have no idea what a Producer does, so I just take that to mean he gave himself some donoughts every morning.

As for directing, the man is still a genius behind the camera. There are scenes that you will never forget. They're the kinds of things spoof movies make fun of. Unfortunately, M. Night has a long ways to go to make up for The Village, so it might be awhile before The Happening gets spoofed.

Now let's get to the writing. M. Night should immeditately burn every pen, pencil, quill, typewriter, and PC in his house. The man should never write again. The dialog in The Happening is so awful, I actually wished George Lucas would have helped out. Maybe it looked good on paper. Maybe he was on drugs. I'm not sure.

The Happening is certianly better than his last two movies, but still not worth catching in the theaters. It's worth a rental, though.

Grade: B-

Rambo II & III - Review

2008-06-29T23:26:00.004-06:00

Yes, here's another 80's series I didn't see as a kid. Too much Neverending Story and Short Circuit, obviously. I watched the original Rambo - excuse me, First Blood, a few months ago and I didn't particularly care for it. So why watch II and III? Well, Stallone made a new Rambo a few months ago and I wanted to see what he did with it. You may know that he did the same with Rocky Balboa, a movie I really enjoyed. To get the most out of the latest Rambo, I thought I better catch up on the series.

What can you say about the Rambo movies? I firmly believe that we will never see another character like this in our lifetimes. The action hero is dead. Think about it. What would today's studio execs say about a script where the hero escapes from prison, releases the prisoners, and steals his own rescue helicopter - without help from anyone. I imagine this stuffy guy in a suit scratching his chin after reading, only to ask the writer, "Can we make him gay?"

Is it good for the action hero to be dead? I don't think so. Afterall, we've got Die Hard 4 and Rambo 4 coming into these modern times. There's even another Terminator coming out. So Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger all agree with me.

Maybe it's just the lack of action stars today. Let's go hypothetical... Hollywood is big into "revisioning" old series. Pretend the last Rambo didn't get made and now a new director wants to remake First Blood. Who would star? The only guy I can think might possibly pull it off is Gerard Butler of 300. Got anyone better?

Anyway, I'll spout off more about this after I watch Rambo (the last one). As for Rambo: First Blood, Part II and Rambo III, they're classics. Go find yourself some Pop Rocks and Coke and watch both in the same night.

Grades: B

Wristcutters: A Love Story - Review

2008-06-23T22:57:00.003-06:00

All too often, I go into Indie films hoping to discover the next Juno or Once. That's not a bad hope to have, but it's "hope" and not "expectation" because most Indie films are crapfests.

Take Wristcutters: A Love Story, for instance. Following the Independent Film bylaws, it tackles a subject Hollywood won't touch - suicide. OK, I'm cool with that. It's good to explore some darker themes in the safety of film to help make sense of it. But only an Independent filmmaker would look at suicide and say, "Hey, this would make a great love story." Idiots.

Yes, I know Romeo & Juliet did it. Shut up. That was a well told tragedy. Wristcutters is a tragedy. See the difference?

The movies opens with the titular suicide and the hero's death. However, he wakes up somewhere between Heaven and Hell. Think more New Jersey than Purgatory. Wherever it is, only suicide victims live there. He soon hears that his girlfriend killed herself shortly after his funeral, and so begins his quest to reuinite with his true love.

"But John," you say. "What about all the emotional strife that caused him to kill himself?" Yeah, that's why this movie sucks. You basically have this quirky love story set in New Jergatory that completely ignores the fact that every character killed themselves. Actually, I take that back. Every character explains how they killed themselves, but no one explains why. Maybe it's just me, but when Mr Big Emotional Elephant is in the room, I think a story should deal with him.

Bah. Whatever. You've probably never heard of this movie. My apologies for ruining that.

Grade: D

Sweeney Todd - Review

2008-06-23T22:34:00.005-06:00

Over and over, I'm convinced Johnny Depp is the greatest actor of our time. Every time I see him, he's playing a character that's different than all the rest. I daresay, here's a star who acts. Gasp.

In Sweeney Todd, Mr Depp does something he's never done before. He sings. And he sings well. Seriously. I went in fully expecting the wailings of a tortured soul trained by Yoko Ono. I expected cats to fall dead in the street. I even expected the TV to say, "Oh hell no" and mute itself.

But none of that happened. The man can sing and Sweeney Todd is worth a watching just for that.

So how's the movie? Well, have you ever watched Phantom of the Opera and wished for fountains of blood? The kind that shows up in Tarantino movies or SNL skits. Sweeney Todd has all that and even gets the color wrong to emphasize the ridiculousness of it all.

At its core, the movie is a Revenge flick. If you've read my other reviews on Revenge flicks, you know how essential I hold the ending. Fortunately, Sweeney Todd gets it right. You know when you order a Guinness and the server brings it to you while it's still cascading? That's the kind of satisfaction I'm talking about. Nothing life-changing. Just contentment.

If you're ever in the mood for a Slasher-Revenge tale set to song, rent it. I enjoyed this one.

Grade: A-

The Incredible Hulk - Review

2008-06-16T20:36:00.003-06:00

Remember that Hulk movie a few years ago? Ang Lee did it right before Brokeback Mountain. I don't remember too many of the details, but I think Hulk was trying to avoid the Army for violating the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. I may have that wrong, but whatever, the movie was horrible.

Fast forward five years and Marvel gets their own studio. First, they come out with Iron Man (supposed to be awesome) and this weekend, they release a new Hulk movie. I think it's called The Incredible Forget About That Last Hulk.

I'm not a big Hulk fan, but it's one of the few superheroes I know anything about. And that's only because I watched the TV show as a kid. Because of that knowledge, I was dreading another origin story. I hate origin stories. Especially those that get told over and over again. But in The Incredible Hulk, they treat the it perfectly during the opening credits. Brilliant. It's like they knew I'd be bored during the credits anyway, so why not squeeze some gamma radiation in there. Whoever made that call deserves a bonus.

Edward Norton is the last person in the world I pictured as Bruce Banner. The man can act, but as the Hulk? Come on. Fortunately, he proved me wrong. He's awesome and paints a very human side to the biggest green monster outside of Boston.

I was really enjoying this one up until the final act. I swear you can pinpoint exactly when the Writer's Strike happened. The CG is pretty and you best enoy it, 'cause that's all you get.

Wait and rent this one.

Grade: B-

Semi-Pro - Review

2008-06-16T20:07:00.003-06:00

Why do I even try any more? I've said for years that Will Ferrell cannot carry a movie. Exhibit A is Anchorman. Exhibit B is Blades of Glory. But for some reason, I still long for the funny that was broughten in Old School will show up again. It feels like I'm at the end of a turd assembly line hoping for chocolate.

Semi-Pro is no different. In fact, it's because it's not different that it's so bad. Sure, it's got the same kind of humor as all of his other movies, just less funny this time. I hoped for a "that just happened" joke, but was denied. This surprised me as everything else had been done before.

Maybe my problem is that I'm not a big basketball fan. If I was, I may have gotten a few more of the jokes, or at least appreciated them more. But I'm not a NASCAR fan and I enjoyed Talladega Nights (a chocolate piece).

Anyway, I'm not gonna spend any more time on this. If you like Will Ferrel, you may like it. But surely you have a list of ten or more movies you need to see that are better. Go with those.

Grade: C-

Weekend Box Office Widgets

2008-06-09T15:56:00.003-06:00

Anybody know anything about RSS feeds? As you can see to the left, I'm experimenting with a few different ways of adding the weekend's Box Office results. The top one uses a simple RSS feed, but it's all out of order. Anyone know how to alphabetize it?

The bottom one is pretty spiffy, but I think it's kinda hard to read.

Which one do you guys like?

UPDATE: Yahoo! Pipes is awesome. Thanks Jason!

Paper Clips - Review

2008-06-08T22:45:00.003-06:00

I've been reviewing way too many popular movies, so I needed something obscure. I can't remember where I first heard about Paper Clips. It's been in my queue for awhile now and I was finally in the mood to watch it this weekend (Netflix users, it's a "Watch it Now" movie).

Paper Clips is a documentary about a small school in SE Tennessee who started a small project on the Holocaust. As they were talking about the six million Jews who were killed, one of the students asked what six million looked like. After some discussion and research, the students decided to collect paper clips. It turns out that was a very interesting choice because of its strange Norwegian origins and symbolism in Nazi Germany.

This multi-year story is simply amazing. Obviously, when a movie deals with the Holocaust, it'll bring up all kinds of emotions. Paper Clips is no exception and covers territories I wasn't expecting it to. The Weinsteins produced it, so the production quality and storytelling are above your average documentary. Expect scenes specifically designed to crack that cold, dead heart of yours. For those of you blessed with a soft heart, keep the tissues close....lots of 'em.

Obviously, I'm rating this pretty high, but should you see it? Absolutely, but I'd recommend that you wait until you're in the mood. Like if you're ever thinking to yourself, "What movie could I do a double feature with Schindler's List?" I would recommend you lay off the black eyeliner and nail polish. For the rest of you, put this in your "See before the end of the year" list.

Grade: A

The Condemned - Review

2008-06-04T21:38:00.003-06:00

You remember that short story you had to read in High School? The one about 10 homeless guys taken to an island to be hunted. They made a few different movies about it over the years and going into The Condemned, I thought it would fall within the quality range of those movies. Instead of hunting the homeless, The Condemned are all death row convicts and have to kill each other. Last man standing walks free. And it's all televised on the internets.

Warning: If you know anything about how the internet works, this movie will cause you bodily harm.

For the most part, it actually met my expectations. It stars Stone Cold Steve Austin for cryin out loud. The man went to the Steven Segal School of Acting. You also know who is going to last to the end because they're the only two people you recognize as having an ounce of fame.

But at around the 30 minute mark, something shifted. It became a great movie. No, Bruce Campbell did not make a cameo. Instead, the director portrayed the violence in such a way that I actually felt uncomfortable watching it. It wasn't any more graphic than other movies. In fact, they cut out parts that other movies have gladly shown. But the way the murder and rape was presented fit perfectly into the message the director was aiming at.

And that's where things fell completely apart. Instead of sticking with a great premise, (and I hope I'm not spoiling anything here), the director goes on to point out that violence in media only exists because people watch it. That's a valid point. However, this is a violent movie (intended to make money) starring Stone Cold Steve Austin (of WWE fame) telling you that you're to blame for violent movies. That's like some guy at McDonald's telling you it's unhealthy as he slams a fistful of fries down his throat. Or it's like Stone Cold Steve Austin kicking your ass because you're to blame for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

...

OK, that's a valid point. But I swear I did my part to avoid smellin what that guy was cookin.

Anyway, if you set aside the pretentiousness and hyprocisy of the movie, it's not that bad. I mean it's a mindless action flick with an out of place message, starring a pro-wrestler who can't act (Stone Cold Steve Austin... Seriously. His name is like Beatlejuice). But if you're bored on a Friday night with a few beers in the fridge, there are worse ways to spend an evening.

Grade: B-

Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Review

2008-05-28T22:08:00.003-06:00

Oh man. This Indiana Jones movie had the kind of excitement usually reserved for a new Christina Aguilera album. What? They both like whips.

But as intense as that excitement was, there was some significant hesitation around one name. George Lucas. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought a fedora-wearing Jar-jar might make a cameo.

There was also some hesitation about moving Indiana Jones into the 1950s. Indy and Nazis went together like Tom & Jerry (or Ben & Jerry, for that matter) and changing that formula was something I didn't trust in the hands of Lucas. But with Harrison Ford looking like Henry Ford these days, Nazis just didn't make sense.

And you know what? I liked the transition. It felt like an older Indiana Jones set in the 1950s. I've heard from others that they hated it. But this is my review, so we'll ignore them.

While the Crystal Skulls are weird and I did sorta miss the Nazis, I thought the Communists made a decent replacement. I also thought the music and the technology changes suited an older Indiana Jones. Things just felt right. In other words, this isn't Indiana Jones and the Crystal Menace.

Yet another worry I had was Shia LaBeouf. Do you like Shia? Do you? Then watch this.

There are rumors that Indy 5 will star Shia with Harrison playing the father role like Sean Connery. I can only say, "No. N-n-no. No-no!!" to that.

Grade: B+

Predator - Review

2008-05-28T21:48:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I know. Another classic movie I've never seen. The only thing I knew about Predator was that when Alien vs. Predator came out (the sequel should be arriving soon!!), the Predator fanboys freaked out. To be fair, so did the Alien fanboys, but they weren't as loud in that Geek West Side Story rumble.

So what did I think about Predator? It's a classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. How can you not love it? His screams of "Get to the chopp-aaah!!" stand equal with the best of Brando's famous lines.

But do you know who else is in this movie? Governor Jessie Ventura. Whaddya think of that? Predator should be played at every Republican convention from now on. It's political roots simply cannot be ignored.

Now the reason I caught this movie last weekend was because it just came out on Blu-Ray. Since film is a higher resolution than Blu-Ray, these older movies tend to look fantastic (assuming they clean up the film before mastering it). Predator is no exception. You can see individual sweat glands on Arnold's bulging bicep. Yes, this is what high def has to offer. Drink from it as if it were offered by Jim Jones himself.

So once again, I can hold my head high. No more hiding in shame. But I will confess one last thing. I still don't think Alien vs Predator was that bad.

Grade: A-

Michael Clayton - Review

2008-05-28T21:12:00.003-06:00

You know those small, indie movies George Clooney makes? I'm convinced I'm too stupid for them. The last one I saw was Syriana. It was very well made, but I thought there were about ten too many plotlines. By the end I had no clue what was going on.

I thought the very same thing with Michael Clayton. There are only a few plotlines, so that's good. But by the end, I had no idea what the heck was going on and why people were acting the way they were. Why was George Clooney looking at horses? Why was Tilda Swinton sweating so much? Why were the credits rolling?

From the interviews, Clooney sounds like a pretty smart guy, so I take the blame for not getting his movies. From now on, it's only Ocean's 14 for me.

One sad bit of trivia about this movie is that it's one of Sydney Pollack's last movies. Yeah, I had no idea who he was until I saw his picture this week. But I bet you didn't either, right?

I have no idea how to review this one. It's well acted and the plot seems like it's good, but I just couldn't follow along with it. If you see it and like it, can you please let me know what it was all about? Thanks.

Grade: D

Narnia: Prince Caspian - Review

2008-05-20T17:32:00.004-06:00

Alright! I caught my first big summer movie with Prince Caspian. Even though I read the book three years ago, I remember very little about the story. That might actually be a good thing since my knowledge of The Lion, the Witch , and the Wardrobe detracted from my movie experience. I thought they handled the first one well, but the few changes they made annoyed me. With Prince Caspian, I went in with a fresh(er) set of eyes.

So how is it? Great. Like the Harry Potter films, the sequel is deeper, more "grown up" and thus, a better film. It also helps that the kids are a bit older and less annoying than before. I'm not sure if I should thank C.S. Lewis or the director, but the dwarf character saved many of the annoying scenes with his deadpan delivery.

Another great casting choice is Reepicheep. Eddie Izzard voices the mouse and he couldn't be more perfect. Granted, I did want him to ask a soldier if he had a flag. Reep has a larger role in Voyage of the Dawn Treader (my favorite of the Narnia series), so I can't wait to see it in 2010.

By now everyone knows that Lewis wrote the Narnia series as Christian allegory. It was blatantly obvious in LWW, but here, I thought it was toned down a bit. Other than the overall theme of waiting on God, the only direct allegory I caught was Lucy's woodland meeting with Aslan. I remember getting a lot more out of that scene in the book.

Even though it's PG, the parents in our entourage felt it was too violent for kids. I'm a horrible gauge for that, so take it for what you will.

If you like the Narnia series, you'll love this one. It's a better, deeper story and well worth your time.

Grade: A

Solarbabies - Review

2008-05-18T20:02:00.004-06:00

Pop quiz, Hotshot. It's late on a Friday night. You're hanging with your friends and one suggests you watch a cheesy 80s movie. What do you do? What do you do?

The obvious answer is to get new friends. This isn't always doable due to blackmail issues, but it should be your lofty goal.

So it was last Friday that my friends (who must remain that way due to the reason above) watched Solarbabies. Yeah, we'd never heard of it either, but with a name like that how could we resist?

Like all 80s cheesefests, the title has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Yeah, there's not really a plot either, but what there is has nothing to do with infants born from the sun's rays. Instead you get a post-apocalyptic story about orphans who find a glowing orb. This orb then gives them visions of skinny-dipping in the ocean. Why are they orphans? What happened to all the water? Bah, stop worrying about stupid details like that. This is the 80s, man.

And to prove to you just how 80s this is, let me describe the opening scene. A small child (Lukas Haas) scurries under some secret tunnel and finds a glowing orb. He stashes it away and proceeds to flip a large switch that illuminates a huge, concrete arena. Two teams of roller hockey players (complete with flashlights on their skates) emerge from the tunnels and start a game. Far above, a mysterious figure (Nathan Patrelli from Heroes) with his pet owl and sideways pony tail watch the game..mysteriously. Who is this man? Why does everyone have roller skates with flashlights? Why does everyone like roller hockey? It's the 80s, man.

This movie is so obscure, I'm proud of myself for even finding a poster of it. Thank you, internets. You're the best.

Surprisingly, this has some famous faces in it. Other than Lukas Haas and Nathan Patrelli, Jami Gertz and Jason Patric (before he graduated to Speed 2) are also Solarbabies.

...and so my Speed references come full circle.

Grade: F

If you want a great, cheesy 80s flick: A

Walk Hard - Review

2008-05-18T19:41:00.003-06:00

Usually, spoof flicks have some movie prerequisites you need to see before you get the jokes. Otherwise, you'll just laugh at the movie because you think you're supposed to.

Fortunately, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story only spoofs two movies: Walk the Line and Ray. Both of those are excellent, so if you haven't caught 'em, do so. But not back-to-back.

Let me explain.

Musical biopics follow a predictable pattern. The movie starts in childhood with some horrible tragedy. The star rises to fame. Drugs and divorce bring the star to the edge. The star finally recognizes his weaknesses and rises yet again with a final, musical equivalent of "Happily Ever After."

When I saw the trailers for Walk Hard, I thought, "Oh, maybe they'll make this pattern funny. Wait, Ricky Bobby's friend is starring? Really? Oh this is gonna suck hard."

And I was right. You'll notice from the poster that this is a Judd Apatow movie. That means you're in for two hours of Cox jokes. Lots and lots of Cox jokes. There was a single funny moment with The Beatles (They show up in the Drug section of the story). I won't spoil it (as a gift to you who have to suffer through this), but it's the one highlight.

Skip this one and if you have already seen it, I'm sorry.

Grade: D

We Own the Night - Review

2008-05-18T19:12:00.003-06:00

Remember when The Departed came out and won all those Oscars? And you know how Hollywood likes to copy anything that's successful? Well Einstein, you should have known We Own the Night was coming before Scorsese finished his acceptance speech.

In The Departed, the two main stars are on opposite sides of the law. Both happen to be cops with one undercover. In We Own the Night, the two main stars are on opposite side of the law, but they are brothers. See? It's different.

The Departed has ultra-realistic gunplay and violence. We Own the Night has super-ultra-realistic gunplay and even more violence. Oh, and it adds a car chase.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a hard, no nonsense cop in The Departed. In We Own the Night, Mark Wahlberg stars as a hard, no nonsense cop...with a brother.

So you can see, We Own the Night is a totally different movie. No seriously, it is different. It's worse.

I've heard that it's not fair to compare one movie against another. Each movie must stand on its own, right? Wrong. If Hollywood goes out of its way to blatantly rip off another movie, isn't it only fair to compare that effort to the original? I think so.

If you've never seen The Departed, you need to watch it first. If you saw it and thought, "Man, I wish Mark Wahlberg's character was in another movie!" go watch We Own the Night.

Grade: C

Blade Runner: The Final Cut - Review

2008-05-12T22:10:00.004-06:00

I have a confession to make. In all my years of movie watching, pop-culture references, and internet memes, I'd never seen Blade Runner. Sure, I'd watched scenes here and there. And with the internet and every SF movie borrowing from it, I knew the basic premise. But I never took the time to watch it in one sitting.

Finally, I can scratch that one off my list. But here's where it gets funny (funnier?). I watched the Final Cut version. How's it different than the Theatrical Cut, Director's Cut, and Give the Studio More Money Cut? I have no idea. But I do know a few things.

First, the Final Cut was Ridley Scott's "favorite cut." I know this because he says so in the bonus features. My guess is that bonus feature was also included in the Director's Cut, but who am I to judge?

I also know that Sean Young came back last year and filmed some new scenes for this cut. What are they? Again, I have no clue, but there's a section in the middle where she starts playing the piano that looks "newer" than everything else. They are also the only scenes where she's not in the same frame as young Harrison Ford.

But here's the best part. Edward James Olmos is in this. For those that don't know, he's in the new Battlestar Galactica. In Blade Runner, the replicants are called "Skin Jobs" - the same name they call the human cylons in BSG. See the connection?

Yeah, I just watched the most classic SF movie ever, and the most I got out of it was the "Skin Job" reference. But really, this movie is awesome. It's a classic for a reason. Is this version better than the others? No clue. But if you do, lemme know!

Grade: A

The Assassination of Jesse James - Review

2008-05-12T21:37:00.004-06:00

One of the best Westerns ever is Tombstone. I'd call it the best ever, but Clint Eastwood had a run that can't be ignored.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Holy Crap This is a Long Title got no love at all at the Box Office. My guess it's because the entire movie is spelled out in the title. Then again, my theory falls apart when you consider The Return of the King or Titanic.

The legend of Jesse James is more famous than Brad Pitt, who plays him. Fortunately, the director decided to focus the story on Robert Ford played by Casey Affleck (No I did not intend to watch two Casey Affleck movies back-to-back.). This had the chance of being somewhat interesting. Afterall, you have one of the classic betrayals in history told from the point of view of the betrayer. How did Robert Ford, once loved and trusted by Jesse James, get to the point of shooting him in the back? It's the classic hero's fall from grace. It should have been brilliant.

Instead, it was dull. I think the problem was that the movie was almost three hours long and the story takes place after the James gang commits their last robbery. So you have a three-hour Western with no robberies. Yeah. Exhilarating.

I understand the director's dilemma. In order to have your hero turn into a villain, it must take time. Otherwise, you end up with Anakin Skywalker who kills a guy (sorta) then agrees to slaughter a bunch of kids. All within five minutes.

But three hours of watching Robert Ford's progression was taxing, even for watching on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Towards the end, whenever Brad Pitt was on-screen, I'd say, "There he is! Kill him!" However, I will say that when the moment finally arrives, it's severely disturbing. The director plays out the scene so well, that applying the title of "Coward" to Robert Ford is justly deserved.

I'll give the movie credit for its end. After the assassination, the movie fills in some of the history of what happens to everyone. I knew nothing of Robert Ford, so that part was very entertaining, but I also like documentaries. Take that for what you will.

But I gotta knock it one last time for its length. And here's why.

There's a narrator.

Narrators are put in movies to fill in the boring gaps. A three-hour movie with scenes that plod along like ents does not need a narrator. Period.

Grade: C+

Gone Baby Gone - Review

2008-05-12T21:06:00.003-06:00

Nowadays, when I watch a movie, I try and think of things to talk about in these reviews. Halfway through Gone Baby Gone, I was ready to call it "so intense, I can never watch it a second time."

Ben Affleck's directorial debut is about child kidnappings. Not being a father, I don't have the same emotional reaction to these kinds of movies some of my friends have. They say that a man changes when he holds his child for the first time. Never is that more apparent to me than by talking to my child-rearing friends about these kinds of movies. These guys now tear up at a Lifetime movie (while I point and laugh). Seriously.

But watching the first half of Gone Baby Gone, I got a fun-size taste of those emotions surrounding the loss of a child. An hour into this, I was ready to crown Ben Affleck as the greatest director of the year. Then, an hour and a half into it, I remembered this was a Ben Affleck movie.

Now don't get me wrong, the movie is not terrible. The first half truly is brilliant, but the second half is a bad cliché. It's like Ben Affleck thought you were born yesterday and tried to pull a fast one. But in this day and age, these kinds of movies aren't the only game in town and bad endings stick out like a sore thumb.

Moving on...

I will give credit to Ben's bro, Casey. He plays the part of a Boston PI like he was born there. Oh right, he was. Anyway, he did a good job.

OK, so the ending is kind of lame (especially the morality question they throw at ya like a pie in the face), but this might be worth a rental. The first half is, anyway.

Grade: C+

Summer Movie Extravaganza - 2008

2008-04-27T22:47:00.005-06:00

It's time again for our Summer Movie Round-Up. Remember back when we were kids, the Summer movies always started on Memorial Day? Not so anymore. Pretty much all of May is now filled with big blockbusters.

Here we go...

May 2:

Ironman - Robert Downey Jr. makes a flying suit and becomes a super hero. No, I think he's sober in it.
Made of Honor - Some chick flick with that dude from Grey's Anatomy.

May 9:

Speed Racer - Well, the special effects look awesome.
What Happens in Vegas - Ashton Kutcher AND Cameron Diaz in the same movie. It's like they took smaller parts from crappy movies and combined them into a super crapfest.

May 16:

Narnia: Prince Caspian - I like what they did with LWW. Here's hoping for another winner.

May 22:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Indy is back! Yay! But he's got Shia LeBeouf with him. Nooooooo! N-n-no!
Postal - Uwe Boll makes another crappy film. But hey, it's got Verne Troyer in it.

May 30:

Sex in the City: The Movie - Well here's a movie that makes castration appealing.
The Strangers - Meh. Some horror flick. Two in one weekend. Who'da thunkit?

June 6:

Kung Fu Panda - Dreamworks animated movie that looks hilarious.
You Don't Mess With the Zohan - Adam Sandler plays a Jewish hairstylist. I bet "he can do it."

June 13:

The Happening - M. Night Shyamalan's latest. Gonna risk your $10 on this one? I may wait for the DVD.
The Incredible Hulk - Remember that Hulk movie a few years ago that bombed. This is to help you pretend that never happened.

June 20:

Get Smart - Steve Carrell certainly fits the part. Might be worth a look.
The Love Guru - OK, take all of the Austin Powers jokes and tell them with an Indian accent. Behold, the new Mike Myers movie.

June 27:

Wall-E - Pixar's latest. Should be alright.
Wanted - WANTED.....Dead or aliiiiive. This is that stupid movie where they bend bullet trajectories. I suggest you sing Bon Jovi every time you see a poster for it. That'll be more entertaining.

July 2:

Hancock - Hey look! A Will Smith movie on July 4th weekend.
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Mystery - When you go see Will Smith, pity the fathers getting dragged into this one.

July 11:

Hellboy 2 - I hated the first one. Was there really demand for a sequel?
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - I still have no idea what to think of this one.
Meet Dave - Fresh off Norbit, Eddie Murphy makes another movie.

July 18:

The Dark Knight - Please be good. Please be good. Please be good.
Mamma Mia! - ABBA returns!
Space Chimps - If this were Pigs in Space, I'd so be there.

July 25:

The Longshots - Probably a longshot for being good.
Step Brothers - Will Ferrell and John C Reilly team up again. So basically it's Ricky Bobby 2.
The X-Files: I Want to Believe - I want to believe this won't suck.

August 1:

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - Asian mummies. How bad can it be?
The Rocker - Not a clue what this is. Maybe it's a chance for another Bon Jovi joke. But hey, it's got Dwight from The Office in it.
He Just Not That Into You - That's what she said.
Midnight Meat Train - That's what she said.

August 8th:

The Pineapple Express - Now here's a title that makes ya wanna go to the movies!
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 - They made a sequel? Looks like I'll be needing a 2-for-1 deal on those castrations.

August 15:

Mirrors - Reflect upon this and see if it sucks.
Tropic Thunder - Ben Stiller movie. I challenge you to speak this title without sounding like a WWE announcer.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Yeah, another Star Wars movie that is seriously lacking in hype. Maybe it'll be good?

So that's it for this year. Looks like it could be a strong one.

Hitman - Review

2008-04-27T22:15:00.003-06:00

Love stories in action movies never work. They're always forced on me - like rice with my burrito. I just want the burrito, yet I always get a plate half-filled with Spanish maggots. Who wants that?

Hitman is yet another movie with a tacked-on love story. The film is based on the game where you play an assassin (you thought I was gonna say "hitman" didn't you?). Now I understand why the love story was introduced. Hitmen are usually depicted as evil. So in order for the audience to actually care about our hero, he has to have something to make him not-so-evil. The game handles this with a religious sub-plot. A priest assists you in your missions to kill only evil, non-innocent, bad guys. However, in the movie the priest gets replaced by a prostitute. Sure, she's easier on the eyes than an old priest, but it's really the easy way out of the problem.

Yes, I realize my expectations for video game movies are a little high, but I know that one day before I die, I'll see a good one.

Hitman throws a lot of game references in like his walk, his weapons, the music, and the way he disposes of bodies. That's all great and since I've played a couple of the games, I got a chuckle out of it.

However, my biggest problem comes with how high the body count rises. The game is stealth-based. You get in, make your kill (preferably by some ingenius method that makes it look like an accident), and get out without being noticed. In the movie, Mr. Hitman goes through the front door with guns blazing. And since all the faceless bad guys have gone to the Hollywood Shooting School, every shot misses. It's ridiculous.

So should you see this? Not a chance. As bad as it was, I sort of liked it because I enjoy the games, but that's the only reason. As a movie for everyone else on the planet, it's awful.

Grade: C (For you, F)

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica

2008-04-21T10:31:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone. Sorry for the delay in reviews, but I'm in the middle of Battlestar Galactica, Season 3. Anyone watch this? I caught discs 3 and 4 over the weekend and it's some of the best Sci-Fi I've seen since Firefly. For a pretty simple plot (run from the bad guys), they do a good job of keeping things fresh.

Season 4 is already a few episodes in, but you can catch some missed episodes on Hulu.com. Unfortunately, they don't stay up very long. Hopefully, they'll put up the season once it's over.

Stardust - Review

2008-04-13T21:04:00.003-06:00

A moment of silence is needed. This week, Netflix shipped my last HD DVD. After Stardust, I'm all Blu...and blue.

On that note, for those of you with HDTVs w/ HDMI, the upscaling DVD players out there give an outstanding picture for your standard DVDs. At around $100, they make a great stopgap until Blu-Ray gets cheaper.

When Stardust was released last summer, the critics were calling it the next Princess Bride. Hellooooo blasphemy.

Look at that poster. See Claire Danes? Not Buttercup. See the effeminate man-girl in the tranchcoat? Not Cary Elwes. He tries, but fails. I have no doubt that Robert De Niro could play a believable Andre the Giant. But he doesn't, so it doesn't count. Oh, and the other lady up there in the corner is Michelle Pfeiffer. I have no idea what rock she's been hiding under all these years, but it sure kept her purdy.

So yeah, Stardust is not The Princess Bride. But on its own, it's an outstanding movie. It's quirky, it's fun, it's sweet, and you'll enjoy every minute of it (well, most of it).

Remember when you saw Claire Danes in Romero & Juliet and you fell in love with her? Then, when you saw her in Shopgirl, you kicked her to the curb? In Stardust, you fall in love with her again (You fickle bastard). Of everyone, she and Michelle Pfeiffer were cast the best.

The rest of the cast is great, too. Even though I made fun of him (her?) earlier, the main guy does a good job. And I won't spoil it, but De Niro plays one of his more memorable roles, hehe. Seeing the rest of the more famous faces pop up is great, with each getting a proper entry.

One thing I found odd is the director's choice to make this rated PG-13. There's nothing overtly offensive, but I thought it was an odd rating for what amounts to a fairy tale. Perhaps that's what killed it in the box office.

Anyway, go rent this. It's a few hours well worth your time.

Grade: A

I Am Legend - Review

2008-04-13T20:31:00.003-06:00

Hey, check it out. I think this is review #50. Rock! \m/

OK, so I Am Legend. I wanted to see this in the theaters, but didn't get the chance. As it turns out, I think the best experience for this movie is on DVD.

Lemme explain. When I first popped the disc in, I was greated with a big splash screen that said "Theatrical Version" and "Alternate Version." That's it. No previews, no explanations, just a big freakin menu with two choices. How is that helpful? What's the Alternate version? Should I watch that one or go with the theatrical release? How much is different? It's like those old Lethal Weapon movies where they have to choose either the red wire or green one.

After a moment of seriously considering to check the internet for the right choice, sanity returned and I realized it was just a DVD. My TV wasn't going to explode. Ironically, I did hear a voice that said, "You chose....poorly" after I selected the theatrical release.

I thought the movie was ok. Definitely worth a rental, anyway. But I didn't like the ending. It felt too "Hollywood" for me. It wasn't bad, by any means. It just wasn't great. So I figured I'd check out the Alternate Version.

I put the movie on fast forward and stopped whenever something new showed up. Out of the whole movie, two things were different - the ending and one extra/expanded scene. But holy crap. Those two alterations changed the entire theme of the movie. That could highlight just how much fluff there was in the story, but I was shocked at how different the Alternate version is.

I have a hunch that the Alternate ending was supposed to be the true ending of the movie. It leaves a lot more questions hanging for you to muddle over, but I think those help the rest of the movie. You hear a lot of stories about how the "suits" change movies to make it more accessible to stupid American audiences. I have a feeling that's what happened here and it wasn't until the DVD that the director could put his vision out there. They probably say that in the commentary, but who listens to those?

So yeah, if you haven't checked it out, do so. Even if you saw it in the theaters, the alternate version might be worth a look. Let me know which version you liked best.

Grade: A- (Original Ending = B)

Rescue Dawn - Review

2008-04-08T22:04:00.004-06:00

Do you have that list of movies that got no love at the box office, but are pretty good? My list has films like The Saint, The Ghost and the Darkness, Memento, and now Rescue Dawn.

Christian Bale plays a pilot who gets shot down over Vietnam before the war actually starts. He survives the crash and gets thrown into a POW camp. The movie is "based on a true story" but this is Hollywood, so you know how that goes. Regardless of how much of the story is true, the blurb at the end about the guy is pretty fascinating. I may try and find a documentary about him.

Bale is becoming one of my favorite actors. I've seen him recently in Batman Begins, 3:10 to Yuma, and now this. Never once did I think I was watching Bruce Wayne in 'Nam. There's not too many actors who you can say that about.

But the best acting comes from Steve Zahn. Normally, he's cast as Plucky Sidekick #1 like in Sahara and National Security (Yes, I saw that. Shut up.). But like Bale, he plays a completely different character. I swear the director got these two together on the first day and said, "Christian Bale, you are not Batman. And you, whatever your name is, you are not Plucky Sidekick #1." However it went down, these two did a great job.

I should mention that this movie is rated PG-13 for "some sequences of intense war violence and torture." Being an American, war violence doesn't really bother me, but the torture scenes caused a grimace or two. This is also one of those movies where you can tell they edited it down to get the PG-13. I'll let you decide if that was the right thing to do, but I don't recall seeing a movie where the cuts were so obvious.

Anyway, this is a solid movie - definitely worth a rental.

Grade: A-

Appleseed: Ex Machina - Review

2008-04-06T23:19:00.002-06:00

So I'm not the biggest anime fan. I've seen some of the more famous ones, like Ghost in the Shell, but it's not a genre I'm all that familiar with. For Appleseed: Ex Machina, I happened to catch a trailer for it on another movie and I was so impressed by the animation, I had to throw it in the queue.

Side Rant: I realize that I'm now the poster boy of why studios put trailers on the first track of the DVD. However, this new trend of not being able to skip those trailers is getting very annoying. There are "next track" and "disc menu" buttons on my remote. Please let me use them.

Before said trailer, I'd never heard of Appleseed: Ex Machina. Apparently, this is the second film in the series (based on a Japanese comic). I didn't know that until later, but this movie stands fine on its own. I enjoyed it so much, I'll go and catch the first one soon.

Not knowing anything about it, I went in expecting typical Japanese anime. And that's exactly what I got. Giant utopian city set in a post-apocalyptic world? Check. Giant Robots? Check. Guys who look like pretty girls? Check.

I also didn't know that John Woo helped produce it. So in addition to a typical anime, I also got a typical John Woo flick. Heroes firing dual-wielded pistols while jumping in slow motion? Check. Bullet tracking? Check. Doves? Check.

So yeah, the movie is one giant cliché. If you've never seen an anime or a John Woo film, then this might all be new. If that's you, your list of "must watch" movies just increased dramatically, so you got other things to worry about. "But John," you say. "You said this was good." Appleseed: Ex Machina is mindless, cheesy, and convoluted, but it's also a hell of a lot of fun. That animation I mentioned earlier? It's unbelievable. I'm not sure if my words can do it justice, but it looks like hand-drawn CGI with lighting, shadows, and particle effects. It's worth seeing just for that. Download a trailer off the internet. You'll see what I mean.

If giant mechs piloted by girly men ain't your thing, I can't blame you. But if you just bought the Costco Tub o' Popcorn and are looking for something to go with it, this'll do nicely.

Grade: B

The Brave One - Review

2008-03-30T21:34:00.004-06:00

Ugh. Another stupid revenge flick.

Remember those Death Wish movies with Charles Bronson? Something bad would happen to Bronson's family and he'd go all medieval on the bad guys and by the end, sunbeams and rainbows would fill the sky. The Brave One is Death Wish with Jodie Foster as Charles Bronson. No, not instead of Bronson, as Bronson. Seriously.

The family member in question is Sayid from LOST. So as to seem more helpless than Jodie Foster, Sayid is stripped of all his badassery. That's disappointing and completely unbelievable. True, it's not fair to typecast an actor, but if you see this (ha), let me know if you don't think the same thing.

But the real palm-to-forehead moment comes at the end. Revenge flicks live or die solely on their ending. They naturally build up a tension that must be resolved intelligently at the end. If that doesn't happen, you yell at the screen. Or at least I do. Here, when the final scene appeared, a giant FAIL stamp should have hit the screen. The Brave One makes the tragic flaw of making the characters do something completely unnatural just to wrap things up. It's sad.

What makes the ending so frustrating is that the rest of the movie is brilliantly acted. We all know Jodie can act and we get Terrance Howard playing the detective. The scenes they have together are great. But trust me, this ain't worth sitting through to see 'em.

There are plenty of other flaws. The way she gets her gun comes straight from the Convenient Conflict Resolution Handbook (2nd Ed.). Jodie also plays a NPR-like talk show host. Talk Radio is boring on its own. In a crappy revenge flick, it's torture.

Spare yourself the pain and skip this one.

Grade: D

Ratatouille - Review

2008-03-30T20:59:00.003-06:00

Here's another movie I'm just now catching up on. Last summer, Ratatouille scored a crazy 97% freshness on rottentomatoes.com. It's at 95% now, but back then it was the highest rated movie of the summer. Needless to say, I was expecting big things.

I like Pixar movies but I've noticed a shift in their styles. The earlier movies (Toy Story, Monster's Inc, etc) were funny - hilarious, even. Cars and Ratatouille seem more serious. That doesn't make 'em bad, but I do long for the funnier days.

I watched Ratatouille on Blu-Ray and holy crap! The 3D animation is unbelievable. The rodents' fur actually looked like fur instead of a flat fur texture. Also, animators are finally getting water (specifically, wet surfaces) to look right. It's not perfect, but it's getting close.

Overall, I think my expectations for this one were too high. I enjoyed it, and it's certainly a good movie, but it's not 97% good. In my ranking of Pixar movies, I'd place this one just above Cars, my least favorite.

Hmmm, I've run out of things to say. Since I'm sure all of you have seen this, what did you think of it?

Grade: B-

Sunshine - Review

2008-03-30T20:13:00.004-06:00

Independent movies rarely do Sci-Fi. Indie directors have a choice between special effects and, say, a cameraman...or food. But all that's changing (hopefully). Computers are cheap and anyone can torrent a copy of Maya. Even the Star Trek/Star Wars fan movies are looking pretty good. What? I only saw one.

Sunshine comes to us from the UK. I think that's a little joke since we all know the sun never shines in London. Like I said earlier, it's an Independent movie so no one famous is in it. There are, however, a few actors who make you shout, "Hey! It's that guy!" I think this is one of the movie's strengths since you have no idea who will get killed off.

OK, so the acting is a strength, let's talk about a weakness -- the premise. The idea is that years from now, the sun starts to die. This makes the Earth like Hoth. Humanity grows tired of snow and decides the only way to save itself is to send a nuclear warhead into the sun and hope to "restart" it.

...

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Being a somewhat technical person, that's laughably bad. This had to come from a Windows crash on the writer's laptop. Going outside in anger, he saw the sun and put two and two together.

But here's the kicker, the movie's pretty good. If you can force yourself into the concept, Sunshine makes a boring trip through space fairly suspenseful. Not knowing who's going to make it helps, but the writing is good on its own. Also, the director did a lot with the Special Effects, especially considering how little he had to work with. The shot of Mercury passing was definitely a "whoa" moment.

So yeah, things aren't perfect but I'd bet a few of you will like this one.

Grade: B

Martian Child - Review

2008-03-25T20:55:00.003-06:00

Like I mentioned last review, I was in Tokyo last week. For my trip over the Pacific (a trip God never intended anyone to make), Martian Child was my in-flight entertainment. Well, that and the food. When you get a chance, be sure to fly any of the Asian airlines. They're an adventure. And by adventure, I mean awesome.

Martian Child is a John Cusack movie. Half of you just skipped to the next review. Sure, he exceeds his Man Quota of romantic comedies every year, but I mostly like his stuff.

In this one, he plays a Sci-Fi (excuse me, Speculative Fiction) writer wanting to adopt a son. The movie really glazes over all those details, but eventually he forms a bond with a boy who says he's from Mars. And yes, there is a "Men are from Mars" joke. Think of it as the romantic comedy equivalent of a fart joke. "Well, you know men are from Mars. Pull my finger."

After all those tiny complications are conveniently swept under the rug, the movie digs in and starts taking jabs at your tear ducts. As Cusack explains, "Well, I'm sort of an expert in fantasy and I find that it allows us to explore things that are too tough for us to handle." If you can imagine what kind of past this kid has experienced to lead him thinking he's from another planet, you have a pretty good idea of where this movie takes you.

I tend to believe people should see these kinds of movies at least once a year. For me, it helps soften my cold, bitter heart and look at life (and the people in it) with a bit more warmth.

Grade: B+

Lost in Translation - Review

2008-03-25T20:27:00.003-06:00

I was in Tokyo last week and to prepare for the trip, a friend said I should watch Lost in Translation. He is no longer my friend.

OK, the movie ain't that bad. In fact, didn't it win some awards? (Googles...) Yes, it won the Oscar for best writing & screenplay and was nominated for best picture. Why? I mean, I got what Sofia Coppola was trying to do with it. I just wasn't all that thrilled with how she got there. There were scenes of greatness, just too few to matter. In fact, other than those scenes, I've already forgotten everything else.

I liked Bill Murray, though. He pulled a Robin Williams and got all serious and pulled it off. There were some scenes I'm positive were ad-libbed. They proved he's still a genius even when not chasing ghosts or gophers.

Scarlett Johansson is ok but I'm still looking for a movie that makes me fall in love with her. Lost in Translation opens with a long shot of her ass so right away, you know her role here. They couldn't have been more blunt if they put "Bill Murray" and "Hot Piece of Ass" on the poster. Eye candy is fine, but I'm still waiting for something where she can stand out.

Most of you probably saw this years ago and I'm just now catching up. Those of you who haven't seen it have probably done so based on the opinions of the rest of your friends who told you to skip it. I'm not gonna change anyone's minds here, so let's just move on.

Grade: C-